i'm a self help video with the worst themes

that didnt hurt as much as i thought it would.


on second thought...


oh, and her feelings are fleeting. they change like the seasons. i wonder if he knows that.

i'm done talking about this. to everyone. because i know i'm just frustrating everyone. no one understand really, except the one person i can not talk to. i am sick of covering up for you, and then wondering why i do so. i am tired of friendships being affected, and not just how one would think. i'm sick of people in my life disappearing for long periods and then making comebacks and pretending things haven't changed.

i am included in that. i disappear, i vanish, for periods of time. i have times of discovery, of recognition of who i am. where everything fits. when i'm strong. when i know what i want.

and then i disappear. i'm gone. i'm left confused, distraught, tearing apart relationships and writing letters and postcards to myself, begging myself to come back. i turn my back on what's important, i lose sight of the ultimate goal, the ultimate destination.

i return. i'm confused by the change, by how i got the way i did, how things fell apart.

repeat.

crows can't fly with the comets

the weather outside reflects me perfectly.
at first, beautiful, but once you're inside, dangerous and moody as hell.

titles aren't anything. they are nothing but labels slapped on something to lessen the confusion. there is no meaning; nothing but words.
words.
how they can take your breath away. how they can convince you there is no one else. how they can carry such meaning with them.

or lack of it.
they were just words.
deceit. its how i'm interpreting it. if they weren't devoid of meaning we wound't be sitting here now. keyboard in my hand, hers in yours. i'm feeling hostile. let me have my few minutes.

i fell. hard. it wasn't my fault, you werent anything but a good idea until you became a reality. and even then it was hardly.
blame it on your good intentions. what's best for me. i can see right through you.

you're losing more than me. this friendship has taken a few hits too. i don't even know the state of trust. the state of affability. the state of..

not seeing a person gives you more courage to say these things, those things, anything, then being right there. let's just hope you're holding your breath.

reassurances fall on deaf ears. this is something i already know. but look how far its gotten me..

..this is going to take awhile.

i'm yours

.og ti tel not ot em wolla dna mih drawot sgnileef esnetni htiw em tcilfni psaelp, tra fo krow a, elbidercni enoemos htiw noitautafni elttil yllis a tsuj naht erom si siht fi, dog raed, tub. gnihtyna eb ot desoppus tnsi siht fi em rof erots ni evah uoy revetahw ot pu meht nepo dna mih ot seye ym esolc ot em wolla. dednetni evah uoy tahw staht if yaw taht ni mih tuoba tegrof em tel, drol

i dont give a...

i cant help it. i cant.
i look in the mirror,
i look at a picture of myself..
and all i see is a girl who would look great by your side.

..im sorry.

i rip my heart up piece by piece

bird's eye view of the room.
phone in the corner. girl piled in the middle of the bed, legs entwined with the sheets shes pressed into. hand across her eyes, quickly wiping the tears slipping away from the eyelids. other hand pressed against her heart, trying to lessen the pain felt inside. mind reeling, stomach twisting, chest heaving.

its a delicately edited movie flashing behind her eyelids, the best canvas she has. flashes of sun, of skirts, of grass, of fireworks, of icecream, of carefully constructed plans months in the making, of sneaking into houses, of laughing and breaking into parks for conversations under the cover of night and quiet of sleepy towns. of talking, of music, of tshirts, of fingers and arms, of whispers and pressed lips, of hands on sides, on legs, on..

faster and faster. sliding into her mind and leaving just as quickly. time spent wondering and hoping and dreaming--wasted. eyes closed tight and smiles in the dark pointless. meaningless music being turned up to drown out the thoughts that want to enter. fingernails into palms of hands to prevent the phone from ringing. or to wish the phone to ring. whichever will be welcome.

i find it so coincidental. so coincidental. the only thing playing on my computer are the things we danced to months ago. the date the same exactly one year ago, the time we 'met.'
its perfect.
its full circle.
are we starting or ending?

if only my mind would grasp that and run with it. instead its running elsewhere; or not running at all.

she presses send, heart in throat. sits up, wipes at her cheek one last time, and immerses herself in work.
constantly moving to forget.
laughing to pretend her insides are the same.
cue the endless convincing of her mind 'it's okay.'

are you throwing everything you have at me? cheap shots, low blows.

for the first time in a while--

i am speechless.

no motivation to write. no motivation to get my point across.
im stumped.
you have rendered me clueless and full of confusion.

right before finals.

hey hey, look kid.

for so long, this has been something i wanted.
my writing became cathartic; inspired.
for so long, this has been something i wanted.

i feel as though im trying to keep a hold on water. trying to keep time from slipping through my fingers. escapable. too easily.
just sad. its all thats on my mind. this song is on repeat and replaying scenes like nobody's business. laughing at fate, cracking smiles at screens, depending on you to be up at anytime i was, postcards, pictures from places ive never been. smiles. laughter. my mind being blown by the sheer thoughts that crossed them.

i cant do anything but lay here eyes closed tight against the tears that want to come so badly. "i'm not worth your tears." but what if they never come?
i want to be everywhere and nowhere right now. i want out of my mind and away from my thoughts. i don't want to think like this again. i want to be at home.
i want to be in pine park. i wanted the collision of dreams and reality, my home. two places i never thought would exist.
listening to music we both heard one year ago in the same city. its coincidences like these that make me think. horoscopes speaking more truth and depth than other things that come to mind. i want to so badly sometimes, but i won't let this go.

"i hold grudges like its my job' vs. 'i just want to forget this'. which one will it be?
i can't believe this is where i am.

i can't believe this week. if you would have told me this is where i would be two weeks ago, i would have laughed at you. on so many levels. in so many different ways.
so much can change in one week. i'm crossing my fingers and praying for the best.

literally.
"wait for me like im waiting for you"

you make this hard for me to speak

i shoved my finger down my throat and threw up my hope.

i will regret this

i've never been one to read into astrology, but lately i find myself checking your horoscope to see how you've been.
she knows this is his biggest fear, but still she pushes on,
hitting ignore on his heart,
'view later' on those tears.
"distance is just a word" but you are nowhere near speechless.

i know who you are & i know this isn't your intention, but the similarity to years ago is uncanny & my gullible mind won't let me forget.
i'm too eager to fall and quicker to forgive and ignore.
i take hits like the best of champions.
i reel like the fastest top.
i cover it up like the best of con artists,
but let myself be known like the worst of poets.


but you still have me if you want me.

maybe i could live forever..

so many moments of my life have passed without a second thought.
but there are those that have passed that have left me breathless and reeling when i think of them.

moments like tonight, driving down a dark road with a song playing and replaying memories of incredible nights. i couldnt believe the memory of one night could bring me to tears; i think it was a combination of all of the below that pushed me.

-a night under the stars playing the alphabet picture game with four of my closest friends at the fifty yard line.
-dragging picnic tables into lakes to create our own islands with a best friend, an ex friend, and a young love.
-getting passed by dune buggies on the highway.
-endless laughter and inside jokes between friends and lunch tables. mutual hate of another.
-making up ridiculous dances all years of my childhood and into my late teens. its still going on.
-planning parties, getting in fights, and making up over dances dressed in black and white.
-driving down the middle of the highway in pouring rain in the middle of the night after meeting amazing band members.
-forgetting to turn on my headlights and driving by the moonlight.
-yet another night spend at the fifty yard line, kentucky friends and family clashing and molding into one perfect night.
-flying kites out of car windows.
-a jacket being slipped over my shoulders, followed by an arm, and later an amazing kiss in the middle of the road under the moon.
-finding ridiculous town names and pointless exits in the middle of states. rarity?
-sitting in a car, hearing the first piano measures of the song that would change my entire life.
-on hour five of a six hour car drive, looking over and seeing dad's eyes filled with tears, his hand tight on mine.
-'hook forest' and lanterns breaking and pants being ripped.
-hanging out with the hush sound, security guards, and andrew mcmahon. my dream come true. it was with you.
-offroading in a bmw with the sun roof open and the same song on repeat for hours.
-riding on sleds, crashing into pool fences, soaring into thorn bushes, peeing our pants.
-never getting words out, but understanding everything we meant to say.
-stumbling words and fingers over message boards, to IMs, to texts, to phone calls..
-conversations in cars being interrupted by easily breaking into singing the song on the radio, right back to conversation without skipping a beat
-nicknames, le bone, pierre, hiroshima
-chasing down chipmunks, geese, hitting people with cattails
-waiting hours and hours at bookstores for the release of a book, returning later to collect a giftcard from the slowest moving person ever
-sitting next to a band as they belt out an acoustic song, to be met by enthusiastic singing from the crowd of twenty gathered around.
-the first 'i love you'
-a mountaintop on colorado


these moments complete my life.
every single one of them goes noticed.
takes my breath away.

..i love you all.

lets meet tonight on top of the world

i havent felt this uneasy and unsure of myself in quite some time. this day has been beyond surreal and the past few weeks, months, days are beginning to take its toll on me. i cant wake up without wishing i was back in bed. i cant open my eyes without feeling nostalgic for closure. i cant breathe without it ending in a sigh. every day feels like the same over and over. yet so varied. i find myself growing wearing of inhaling, of dreaming, of thinking. i wish for nothing more than in between sheets with my eyes closed and where my guard is down.

i feel the need to move. to walk. to run. im uneasy when im alone and exhausted when im on the phone. i cant handle the silence and i cant handle the noise. i hate being with people and i think too much when im alone. my hands are shaking and they dont have a reason. i havent tiptoed this much since...

three more weeks and im gone. three more weeks and this is all behind me. i dont want this to be over, but i cant handle it anymore. i want to just exist for a week, with nothing more than to worry about what im going to wear. i hate obligations, responsibilities, things i need to get done, homework, endless lists of things to do, and feeling like i am everywhere i shouldnt be. its all the same after the last few months.

i cant handle what you do, but i want it more than anything. i cant handle being your net, but i love every second of it. i tell myself im stronger than this, but my body is having a hard time believing it.

we're not alone.
we are hanging here.

let me present you with something i call personality

its insane how listening to one song on repeat for thirty minutes can take you back to places you weren't sure you would ever revisit again. im laying in a bed i consider home and all i can think about is three years ago. sun, skirts, black bmw's, tape players, the same songs, sunglasses, windows down, driving to your house.

you never cared the way i did. i feel at ease seeing this now. i have let go. full heartedly. this is the first time in years i have said that and meant it.

off roading, trees caught in side mirrors. drive in movies. the smell of chlorine on leather, ice cream. its the epitome of my teenage years, and we were all a part of it.

don't be just like him. you have the ability to breathe live into me. all he ever did was smother me. i feel whole. you have this, you've got this.

i never want to grow up. i want every second alive with the memories of perfection. lets write it in the stars who we are. we never took no for an answer before. rules have never held us down. lets make plans to break into observation towers and scream from the top. recreate what we've had even though we have all changed. we're only three years down the road.

be a part of me. i want this.

feels like you are miles from here

for a moment there i was gone. i forgot. i was blinded. but the way things are came rushing back to me as fast as the wind that carries my heart to you. not a day goes by where i dont see your name in lights in my mind. there are so many things i wish i could hand you; i have no way to do such a thing.
i havent known you you're entire life, but i do know this: you were destined for big things. you were born into aspirations that requre greatness.
i cant put into words how i feel. i am so grateful for seconds of your time. i am inspired by the way you followed through on a dream. this isn't fantasy; this is reality. you are going places. you will make a way.

i cant write this poetically, because i cant keep my thoughts organized.
i am ridiciulously happy for you. sometimes it feels as if though i am so exuberant in falseness, but i am nothing of the sort. you mean a lot to me, and to see you getting so far, making so many dreams come true, it puts my heart in a smile. i cant do anything but. i am just so proud, so happy, so amazed, so...

i look at pictures of places you have been, will live, will experience, and i cant do anything but sigh with relief. you will thrive, you will grow, you will live so easily.

the english language is left incomplete; there aren't words that allow me to express exactly what is going through my mind.

tears rolling down my face are left unexplained by even my own mind. i cant comprehend anything right now, but all i know is im so ridiculously happy for you. a scene i was never a part of left me speechless and breathless, full of so much emotion, fueled by the most perfect song. i swear it was written for you. i swear it could have been.

i feel so childish, getting so worked up for something that really doesnt matter all that much. these words will go unanswered. will be laughed at. but i need to get this off my chest. at this moment; you mean more to me than any other living thing.

i feel so exposed, but i just dont really care. there are so many things i want to tell you that i cant, for fear of being scorned, for fear of things i cant explain. i am so broken, but so complete and whole. i am so lost, but lost with a sense of direction.

i want to experience so many things right now. i always get nostalgic for summer right around this time. i want an endless summer, i want a place you are well acquainted with. i am full of jealously and envy.

unbreak my heart.

my strings are snapped and this is all in fogged mind. words you didnt mean to fall on my ears have, and i dont know how to react. i cant help but take it personal when i may include me, and my heart is broken. it was yours and i feel as if its future may be shattered. i am terrified to go to sleep and open my eyes, knowing my heart is so far away and so not mine. i trust you with my life and i hope i get the same in return. you didnt hear this from me; this is word of mouth. i wont remember this in the morning; i can only close my eyes and cross my fingers you dont hold this against me. dont hold this against me. this is you i am living for; you tell me if its right or wrong. im yours for the taking and im halfway here. hold my breath. you mean more to me than it should.


my breath is held. im dying. im suffocating.

let her cry if the tears fall down like rain

so overwhelmed and starving for relaxation. the truth of the matter is that may can not come soon enough. my life is a whirlwind and im scared i am getting too caught up in it. i am a fool for falling in love with drama, and i hate every moment of it. surprises are a great coverup, but when do they become excuses? when your schedule book is filled with pencil marks, pen marks, permanent marker, which do you follow more strictly? pencil can be erased, marker scratched over, and now my time is full of cross outs and forgotten dates. i am so involved and so involved to the point i need to get out. i understand now how people burn out. its happened to me too many times. these words arent poetic and i care so much ive turned apathetic. studying should NOT give way to throwing up hands and purposeful bombing. i am running myself down with things i dont even care about and pushing away things i do care so strongly about. i am so lost and in full momentum that im barreling around completely confused, dazed. my guard is down and im taking hits from all sides. im terrified that a huge decision is a result of being so exposed. its takes every last ounce of strength to convince my self and my doubt that its only doubt.

im drowning.

look at the stars, how they shine for you

my heart is so full of ache. an ache that trembles with regret, passion, desire, and most fully, intensity.

an intensity for something i havent felt in quite some time. an intensity that words weren't created to explain--they left artists drawing blanks; they left a need to discover and to feel.

its felt. and more wholey than expected. so whole, that there is so much left to the mind. something so strong is being built on a frame of toothpicks, a foundation of sand, a distance of miles. of miles. how my mind lingers on that word, on that thought. on that obstacle.

you tug the corners of my mouth. nearly any mood that plagues my mind is corrected with a single word from you. i find myself laughing most fully when you are around. i miss the smile that graces my face in the moments you are quiet. i am lighter, i feel lighter, since..

chance. fate. destiny.

i cant help the love movies that continually play behind my eyelids. the dreams that i long to be more than dreams. the continual ever-growing story mapping itself out in my mind. conversations, actions, hands, lips..

there is so much missing. its all found in one word: distance.

teach us the way to overcome hate

i am a very spiteful person. very much so. i am also strong willed and sometimes too spirited for my own good.
in the past few days, i have had so much energy, i dont have a place to channel it towards. i invest it in tearing others down. maybe not physically, maybe not in words, but mentally. i have ripped those apart and exposed them for who they really are. instead of the results shocking me, they placated me. it wasnt them who i ripped at the seams, but myself.

for the first time i know this is now who i am.

i know what makes me tick. i know what makes me angry. i know what gets me going. i know what i hate, what i dont hate, what i want, what i expect. how to act, how to react. i know how to fall, how far is too far, and when to catch myself. i dont have enemies, i am my own worst enemy. i am at ease with myself. most aspects of myself. i can be beautiful. i can be ugly. i can be someone i wish i wasnt. but at the end of the day, i am who i am and i know this.

this is an accomplishment in itself.

i'm patting myself on my back.