i'm alone in this

i go back and forth between emotions. exaltation and despair. i'm tired of not knowing how to feel when i wake up. this roller coaster is nothing i asked for and nothing i want to be a part of. forget it, its not worth it.

i just want this to be a phase more than anything. but even it if it is a phase, there's going to be something left over. you know better than anyone how i value trust. and how willingly i give it out and accept it. i've been hurt but that doesn't stop me from trying. and i feel used and recycled. i'm replaceable. thats the worst feeling to feel when you go to bed at night.

i hate being alone. and that's all i've been feeling. i need time to think, and i can't. i can't have a second to be okay. i can't have a minute with just you. its everyone or its me. and i chose myself.

i hate sounding selfish, but its my turn. when was the last time you thought about how i might feel? all of you? you never do. its always you and your busy schedules. no time for anything.

you don't even know what that word entails.

see you later.

on the other hand..

i've never been happier.

i am insignificant.

i am insignificant.

guess what? i'm done.

i'm through with it all.
i am tired of being hurt. i need to externalize. i don't internalize enough. and it gets me in trouble.
i'm sick of things being said about me that aren't true. i observe and i need to share. this is nothing. say whatever you want about me, and i could care less. i guess that's what makes me different.

i don't need the approval or diapproval of others to know how i feel. and i feel confident in knowing that i can be wrong, that i can be right. that i can fail and succeed. in fact, i'm failing now. but i'm making it.

i am tired of letting other people talk me into a corner. i am sick of over trusting. its impossible for me to not trust. i am sick of being betrayed. a move for an improvement in my health is making my head ache and go crazy. my heart hurt and fear the worst. i don't want to stay here.