everything in transit

rain is in constant motion. it never stops; and the sun is out.
pianos flood the air and destruction is a reality of the world. lets make entertainment for ourselves watching buildings crash to the ground. shattered glass reflects shattered light, shattered dreams.
its so cliche, but im over it.
romantic isnt the way to go when the words are meant to raise emotions they shouldnt.
the words wont come right now.
later, later.

im not going to look back

i live in the past. so much. sometimes it hurts; sometimes it strengthens.
i need to move on, i need to let go. i need to get on with my life and let it represent memories rather than lust for that which cant.
being home, surrounded by those whom i would die for, allows realizations to slip through my head with the ease of swan to water.
so simple. so beautiful. it represents glory, beauty, grace.
im none of that. i am nothing of the sorts.
this isnt me tearing myself apart, this is me building myself up. its better to realize and change rather than be naive to flaws you can fix. you have control over.
sometimes typing is like therapy. sometimes its something i dread.
the ease in which i type can be poison. it can deaden. it can get me into trouble.
ive been sentenced to a lifetime of confusion.
only you can save me, and im so reluctant. it boggles my mind.
and that brings me back, right back to where i started.

its my roots, my longing, where i belong. this is my place, i cant run from it, but i find it so hard to embrace. so easy to move on. so hard to let go. not to look back.
all i do is look back, who am i kidding?

i rewrite conversations over and over in my head until im so upset with a life defining experience that it doesnt define anymore, rather, its forgotten.
im five steps behind and so jaded.
just build relationships and ask again on at a later time.
get your work done and stop complaining!

im going. im going.
im going out with style.

i dare you to make sense of it all.

if you could only see the way

its a need to be harsh, bitter, and ugly.
you say youre down to earth, but no one who was truely the phrase would ever. you are so full of words and hot air that it astounds me. you frustrate me, you annoy me, you have me suffering inner battles for what i feel inside, and not in the way you would think. i want to hurt you, my words to be sharp and cut through your ego until there is nothing left.
still i hang onto your words and recite them over in my mind, dreading the day i may forget them and slip.
i long to speak to you, i struggle to be like you, my thoughts are rampant with ways to become like you.
i want to be you.
or very similar.
i want to be where you are.

maybe we can talk this over

there is something not right.
there really isnt.
if everything was truely okay, i wouldnt be feeling like this.
continually let down by non existant things; tired of living (not that i want the alternate, just tired of living); bored to the point of sleeping; constant need to be in my bed; not wanting to do a single thing..
i've been here before.
i just want to be home!
tears are so easy to jump to my eyes. for happy, for sad, for everything.
it started with the one thing that makes me happy.
its so jaded.
i dont even know what im talking about.
this isnt me writing, is it? because when did the words become to blunt and when did i lose my way?
i cant handle this anymore.

sorry for the lack of update, you can see why i havent.

who i am hates who i've been

its funny how these words are so jaded at times and so full of life at others.
how i depended so much on words to get my voice across until i learned to stand up and voice it out myself.
funny how problems melt away simply by taking one and a half.
and its funny how the same problems still stay even when the medication promises to take them away.

its laughter that has saved my life. laughter and large crowds and eyes running with tears and giggles and cuddling. under sheets and on blankets and thrown balls and playful fights and old school games with black wires and simple graphics.
its the run on sentences in here that allow me to break free of the rules out there. make me feel alive, make me get my point across.
let me know theres someone out there reading this, not that it matters in the slightest. i do it for me, this is all for me.
its a way of life; ill look back years from now and roll my eyes to the man by my side. 'oh, look at how silly i used to be'
to my kids, when they are curious about growing up 'its not all its cracked up to be'
to my daughter when she struggles to find her way in the world 'i was once there'

what on earth am i rambling about now? broken words arent who i am. i want to live in the pixels and live in the graphite and live in the ink. i want to breathe life into the words and have them mean more than fast fingers and a skill well practiced.
oh, and they do. they represent life, a struggle, an issue, friends, feelings, emotions, breakdowns, breakups, tears, fears, joy, laughter, experiencing myself and others. a new life. a new way. a new me.

oh, i've found my way. im set, im back. im back.
for how long?
hopefully a few days. more than a week. about a month. turn that into a year.
i want to be free of who i was.