i just want to break you down so badly

sometimes, she is just not sure of herself. this parallel to years ago is dragging her back into someone she never wanted to be. she is pushing away those she cares strongly about. she hasnt any control over who she is and how she acts. she is rash and confused; thier lack of room for outlet, this privacy they betrayed could get the best of them. she is thinking he is someone he isnt. its her mistake, a slip of her mind, a mirage years later she cant seem to let go. its rare when the reality is hidden by a worser image, as far as mirages go. this urgancy to please, to placate, to be there, to anger is more present for the first time in years, and its not how she wants it. her mind is a constant jumble of making connections and breaking them down, a desire to not repeat mistakes she knows will be the death of her

you light the match, i'll stick around

thirty minutes of thoughts and wit down the drain. i can only hope you at least read them and were inspired before you crushed me. you stole my words and my analogies; i can never be repeated. my originality is dead and this is all just faded and jaded. im left trying to create, recreate, a masterpiece. no one wants the counterfeit, they only want the originial. i'm violated, exposed, and left to die alone amongst forgotten and discarded past objects. i couldn't be more humiliated. for once i was proud, happy, overjoyed with the thought of a goal well accomplished--words that described in a tone different from usual. thought outside the box only to be put back in my place.
i had no idea a crumpled napkin could mean so much. inspire so fully. produce so much hostility.

its fueled by the caffine.

on a completely unrelated note..

my heart is racing faster and faster and i dont know why. i remember two 'last night's like its painted on the insides of my eyelids. rain, kiss, tears, mornings, hugs and laughter. reality. wind, music, lotion, scents, sheets, and words. pixelated. two years ago i never knew i would have another last night. i didn't know it'd come again. i fall from laughter, smiles, exuberance down to nervousness, shaking, racing in a matter of second. i go from 60 to 0 in moments. i boast more urgency than a 160 horse power engine and the pedal to the floor. i feed off the emotions of people around me so intently sometimes i wonder if maybe i don't have my own. i could simply be a good idea; i could exist on a whim or a disappointment.

i can't tell what im more scared of: a repeat of two years ago (see also: broken-hearted) or the exact opposite. doubt is never a reality unless there is passion involved. i've never been more full of doubt.

im so tired of days that feel like the night

im exhausted with falling asleep alone. without fingers beside mine, without hands on me. without hair being pushed back and lips met. legs crossed and thoughts entwined. phrases completed and stories to share. 'how are you' versus 'i know you.' i want to tell the same stories over and over and have them smiled back at me. i want to see myself in eyes that are pleased to see me too. i want to be so self centered to the point im only centered on you. i want my other half.

songs on the air outside and a breeze being tossed back and forth between trees, windows, and fans only make me long for a place i never existed. i want to be somewhere i feel i belong, when in actuality i havent any idea. im making plans for months down the road when i dont even know my current state of heart. of location. of mind. of feeling.

old songs bring back so many memories. you have the words to mould me; i am your clay. i am everything you ever wanted. i dont lie, im absurdly honest. and it shocks me. you know more about me than anyone else.

i want to full heartedly give you my heart. i just wish you werent taking it so far.

ashes just fall to the ground

i allow myself to be like this. four minutes of repitition and words can make my heart break. bring me back years ago. grey carpet, shorts, tshirt. i remember it like the moon remembers the night sky. tears falling everywhere, small puddles and no one to wipe them.

i had no idea i would be nearly where i was again. i hadnt any clue. this is more than just nostalgia, this is history repeating itself.

but its so much better.

im taking such a huge chance and at the same time only leaping off the low dive. cross my heart and hope to die these dreams of yours are gonna fly

this could be everything i asked for. three years later and its the same calling. the same name. i asked for it. is this your answer? oh, im so lost.

this is nothing like you could ever have said. these tears that are falling aren't because im broken. they are because im remembering. things are falling into place and my mind is being blown. ive turned my back on you for such a long time and now im seeing signs in places they shouldn't be. this keyboard is all that is keeping me grounded right now, in so many more ways than one.

every word doesnt get dull. with every word comes life. i am learning to fall again. dreams and wishes are taking flight, are taking place. im not backing down.

this isnt how this was supposed to end up. the right words arent coming, but at the same time they are everything i want to say. i have no idea what goes on my heart, i only know what goes on through my fingers. they take command on their own. giggles are laughter are so foreign to me, it seems right to speak in them.

ive never felt so beautiful as i do right now, in a state of awkwardness, of ugliness, of acceptance and unknowingness.

these words arent what i feel. this isnt how i am. this isnt me at all.
but it is. every passing letter, every click with my fingers is building me up more and more. im ashamed to hit publish.

im so broken, and so whole.

and i can stay between the covers

i feel like the ultimate hassle.
permission to come home a day late resulted in conflicts on both sides of the phone. 'i miss you's and 'come home now's were exchanged as common as the breath through our mouths. but how far did that get me? how far did that get you? an hour here and there, not enough time to talk on the phone, and tears welling up in eyes. i want to be home but i want to be home if you will appreciate me. i want to spend time with you more than you can imagine, and now im competeing with an unknown enemy for your attention.
less than fourty eight hours and one broken heart later, and im back to how i was months ago. i just want to be with you, and i just want to spend time with you. i feel as if this is asking too much.
i hate coming back to changed feelings and statuses.. fighting with best friends over sizes and prices. who has the best quality and who doesn't care. im tired of you flaunting things that mean nothing to me, and im sick of you pretending to mean so much more. cant you see you mean the world? cant you see you own my heart? im so tired of trying to convince you its okay to relax, because i never had to do it before. i hate distance and i hate it more when its between us.

there isnt enough time for me to talk to anyone. phone calls didnt cut it, and plans fell through. who is the one feeling guilty now? who is the only one who feels guilty?

im sick of small rivers connecting the corners of my eyes to my mouth. im tired of the flavour of salt and the taste of pain. a few more months and this will be my life. its something i dread and something i long for.

i just want one year to connect to another. im sick of jolts and non-continuity.

throw my hands in the air as if it really matters

there are times where i feel so completely content with the way things are that i regret things ever having to change.
nights i reflect on, where the stars aligned so perfectly that everything below the heavens came together and matched.
im torn in so many directions, im straying from the cardinal four.
i collapse every night in a bed so familiar that i long for something new. to be somewhere else. inside arms ive met once. i had no idea we could meld with relative ease. i had no idea this would lead to where we are headed. five months, everydays, thousands of texts and words, three hours and fourty dollars got us to where we are, and three thousand miles is all that is keeping us apart.
i fall asleep with eyes closed and a heavy sigh as i drift into thoughts of what could be and what has. faint smile playing on my lips. you belong on them, you belong with them.

there is so much at stake and so much is so young. its too early to tell, but your words are trapped inside my head. its all i hear and its all i think. you have me confused to the state of not being able to worry, yet holding my breath with anticipation every step of the way. i breathe just to remind myself of when you were there. i entangle fingers just for a glimpse of a night. my fingers continue to click away at words so unfamiliar for years. i hold my breath with every 'enter,' praying i havent taken it a step too far, that my incessant words wont pull you away. that three thousand miles is enough of a reason to keep you close.

i look at the clock and count back time, back to a week, a few days, a few hours. think of what you could be doing, think of what i am doing.
i know when i have more on my plate this will vanish with the winter air, but the cold front keeps coming back and so are you. its not spring, its not summer, and you are with me every second of the day. the frost i never wanted but i refuse to let go. the obsession with the way things are beautiful when its white. the desire for warm weather, but the reluctance to make the comfort of the cold disappear.

this could take a turn to somewhere i have been before, but never experienced as fully as i desired. this is something that i didnt see coming. i had not even a clue. is this an answered prayer? is this a leap of faith? is this pushing me somewhere i hadn't known before?

and then that week. the agony, the perfection, the memories. a million hours into four. years of laughter, knowledge, and memories forming in one night. the desire to never let it end. completely caught off guard.

the sunshine state has had a grip on me for far too long.
california has stolen my heart.