i've been watching stars coming off of the wall

i appreciate him in ways he doesn't understand. in ways he will never know. in ways i don't let show.

i interrupt, we all do. i blame, we all do. we take him for granted, expect his next move, predict what he will say, how he will act. we write him off. but i think he has just as much potential as we all do. he is ignored. the last child syndrome. and i really want to make an effort for it to stop.

i love him. i love him so much. i miss him when i'm gone and i miss him when i'm there. i want to be with him all the time, i want to laugh with him. i want him to appreciate me as much as i do for him. it makes me nervous, some of the things he does. it makes me scared for his life, his future, his potential. everything in his life. i want to control it so he stays safe, so he stays lucky. i want him to realize what he can do, what he should do. what hes good at, what hes doing with himself. i want him to be happy, so happy. i want him to grow up and mature so he knows these things, that his life is his to control, to mold, to become whatever he wants. he can do anything, there isn't anything holding him back. i miss him.

i love him.

breathe it in, breathe it out

i've been so myself and content for such a long time i forgot the change and the growth discontentment can bring around.
to be surrounded by such incredible talent and god given gifts for a whole day really allows me to look inside myself and realize what i need to do, what i long for, how i can make it happen.
i used to be in this situation and assume i'm a failure, i'm going nowhere. to be envious of such ease and such incredible opportunities given to others. but i'm growing. i know i am just steps away from where they are, from what they do. and how achievable it all is. it kind of blows me away.

and even if this isn't where i'm supposed to be, if this isn't what i'm supposed to do, i don't care. because my future is written in the sky. the world is at my fingertips and i'm immersed in it. everything that could ever make me happy is right around the corner, and i'm eternally happy because of that fact. nothing can tear me down.

i was made for more than what i am. mediocracy is one of my biggest fears, but because of how i am wired, how i was made, i know its not a reality.

the wind is calling out to me "you were born to live this life"