ignoring sound advice and any thought of consequence

my nose has a puncture wound.
but only because i wanted it to be there.

a step into freedom, into adulthood. who knew a tiny fake diamond could mean more that meets the eye? its a signal of my rebellion, my ability to make my own choices, to live to the consequences. throw my hands up and devil take the hindmost. its my life, its my body, its my choices. i have to make my own. i cant rely on you forever, i cant live up to your expectations forever. as much as i wish i could.

my future is blurred, my hopes are high, my expectations high and low. my past is definate and can't be changed. small insignificant sentences drawn from conversations in kitchens and sunlight to whispered words with held hands are brought to mind more and more each day. oh, how easily you can forget. oh, how easy it is for you to not turn around, to see my mouth trembling with words desiring to burst forth, to tell you how things are, to tell you how things could be, how much i might miss you, how much i desire for the ease we used to converse with. its not that i long for the past, its that i long for a future with you in it. not in the spotlight, but not far from it. for support and friendship and ease during the winter months, sitting on the couch with snow falling outside the comfort of a house. movies and music and words passed between us with the casualty it used to be. we have grown so much, so much more to discuss, so little time, so little effort, so little...
we have grown, but grown so apart. at night, right before i close my eyes, take comfort in the fact you still cross my mind, in words whispered to a higher being for your protection, your success, your happiness.
that road once travelled has taken a turn. the turn im willing to follow. but we arent on it anymore, we are so lost. so lost.
i understand. we are oh so different. but please, just realize we are still the same. arent we?
arent we?

"and it feels like we could last forever"

my spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak

im so eager to find something, to make this count, that i have managed to push it away. im so exuberant at moments that my ecstacy kills the moment. im more than whats needed; im the ounce extra. the piece of cake you didnt need. the drink that turns you from floating to sick. i just cant fit in. i can see my flaws, but im blind to those when it counts. im so eager to push away, to envelope, to hide in my dreams. to raise my expectations and crash when they arent met. to jump to conclusions.
this pill has taken over my thoughts. it consumes me. im fixated. im obsessing. i rely. i dont depend enough.

im confused. im perfectly acute to myself, to what i need, to what im feeling. im so intimate with this sense of confusion that i've mastered the state. i have it down to a science. i understand myself in the sense that i know i dont understand a thing. im all talk and not enough fact. not where it counts. im jealous.
oh, im always jealous.
im jaded. im... im...

when? when did this become her? wasnt she always so happy? wasnt she always so sure? led by books and words and page after page. straight a's, no trying, giggles, friends. games and straightforward and shy and bold.

she once was.
she still is.

life can be so simple if we all just learn to pray

im so bitter.
and im so..

these words dont fulfill me anymore. im terrified of going back in time. im so scared of taking off and falling midair. where am i on your radar? can you feel me now?
im tired of being alone and even more tired of being with everyone. im so good at masking things over. when im not laughing i want to cry. im competely bipolar. im exact opposites. i dont know how to feel. i never know whats right.
why cant life be simple? why cant i be normal? why is my mind constantly playing tug-of-war with my body and my emotions and my feelings, until i just don't know?
i just wish for one day i could leave myself. i understand now how you felt. if i was half of what i am today, i would still be a mess.
i think too much and i say too much and i feel too much and i care too much. i dont express enough and im not good enough and im not smart enough and im not pretty enough. im mediocre where i shouldn't be and i've got plenty of what i shouldn't.

do you really want me?

so sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick

why does this stuff ALWAYS seem to happen to me? why? why?
im calling you out
im numb (in my heart) from the cold (that you are). i'm tired of living this way and i want this to be small. i want this to work
why won't it work?!
im so tired of being frustrated and im so tired of dealing with tiny things. im so sick of being let down.
work for me. work with me.
she's not like him, and she wants to comform. i've got my own way. i'll find my own way.
i'm sick of you.
i'm tired of you.
i want OUT.

who am i writing for now. myself? or you?

my heart cant take it anymore

im always so sad and i dont understand why. its not that im trying to be like this, and its not like it was, but its just not me.
im not a sad person. and i think sometimes i am very very very happy. but the tiniest things can set me off. no acknowledgement of something that doesnt require it. an old friend ignoring, not initiating conversation.

your first hand words are making me fall in second hand love.

sometimes i cant stand myself, what i struggle to fit myself into, the lines i draw and the constraints i try to follow. other time i am completely happy with my life, my connections.
i take joy in envy and boast of things that aren't my own and are based on lies.

i have a bad habit of leaning on others for support. can i even stand on my own?

sometimes the words just don't come out. sometimes they can't. sometimes i don't know how to word anything. days later i come back and am surprised with myself. these are the days i wish i could not doubt myself. everythings looks better in hindsight.

I wanna read good news good news

Who knew a little drop of rain could kill hours of preparation in one second. Im so tired of rain and unnecessary learning. I've learned so much about myself and i can convince myself its all untrue. A moment of doubt can kill my hard work. All I've done in the past nineteen years. All I've built for myself. I've said it before & I'll say it again. Im tired words and the same jaded thoughts. Nothing is new. Nothing is new.

i've never told a lie and that makes me a liar.

with my eyes closing and my hands getting heavy, im letting my fingers do the talking.

theres so much im not sure of right now, so much that if i lay in bed and think of my future, my present, my goals, who i am, i can easily get overwhelmed.
so i dont.
i just go with things. phone conversations, meeting new voices, going places ive never been, making plans ill never complete. this is me. this is my life.

confusion cant get ahold of me when i wont allow it, when i dont care. ill fall in love with fiction and live vicariously through the screen.
im not writing in the fashion i normally do, but sometimes you have to live outside of the box. its a side effect of the desire, the romance, the reality.

charm me.

to someone i care about--

breathe in.
look around.
you are living. you are okay.
i know its hard, i know its hard to continue on. because you centered your life around that one person.
you allowed them inside and you opened yourself up for it.
you ignored and pushed away every instinct to close yourself up, don't let down those walls
but you did. you did.
and look where it has you?

but life will go on. you will love again.
just because she isnt the one, doesnt mean none of them are.
shes not worth your time. shes not worth what you invested.
she didnt care.
she doesnt care.
if she does care, is it the truth?

its not what you expected. im sorry.
youll give your heart and take it back
but it wont be the same.
its not the same.
your time is gone, but its okay.
you have memories.

she will be okay.
you will be okay.
it takes time and rememberance, at the same time you need to forget.
find a soundtrack, listen to it, cry to it, live to it.
then throw it away.

youll live.
youll love.
youll breathe.
and youll care.

things will be okay.
give it time.
i promise.

oh, its what you do to me

theres something in the air that i need. im only quite alive when the sound of guitars, basses, vocals, drums, and whatever might be accompanying is filling the air and surrounding me, drowning out everything else.
i desire such. life on the road. living out of a suitcase, falling asleep in kansas and waking up in colorado. i need this type of life. i need the spontanuity it requires, the ability to laugh everything off. hanging out until rushing into things, running, rushing, setting up, tearing down, packing up and moving out.
i wish for it, i long for it.

non poeticly:
i hate boys because they have the opportunites pretty much expected of them. you arent laughed at, you are smiled at. have any girl tell you shes in a band and you expect the worst of her. its stupid.

i cant think when the words dont rhyme.

play with fire

he smothers, she rejoices. i take pleasure in the simplicities of the world, the overcompensations, the excess when just barely will cut it.
i excel and strive in the areas where there isn't enough, there can't be enough, you won't get enough. i think because its the in thing to do, not because i want to do it. i grow because i can't help it, not because i look forward to it. i breathe because its a way of life, not because i take joy in it.
i love because i need to. because without it my life is nothing, is an empty shell. whats the use in having feelings if you can't express them? what's the use in having the capacity to love if you don't have someone to?
why complain when you are creating complaints simply for the basis of complaining? why does she insist on falling when there are so many around her urging to get up?


her eyes sparkled, but she doesn't even know, she doesn't even care. she's blind to the perfections of the world and open-eyed to every flaw that ever graced her soul, her existance. she's continually let down by those who promise to let her down, and is taken by surprise one injury at a time. you wonder why her heart is so guarded--she's incapable of opening her eyes.

i hide myself behind jokes and one liners when all they raise is a small flurry of giggles almost to be confused with the sarcastic laughter. my words aren't coming as easily, and its a struggle to string them together into legitiment sentences that in turn string along my real meaning, my desire to communicate what needs to be said, what needs to be free.

so take these words for what they are

one hundred years ago had it right. letters as a form of communication. the most romantic, and the most simplistic.
"he" and "she" are the most sensual. the two that make her feel so deep.
she shuts her eyes against the cold, the world. lets the music take her away. because its one constant in her life that gives her the pleasure she needs. it never lets her down. much like that of the way her words align themselves into perfect constellations; the light they give off guides her into a deeper sleep, a deeper truth.

what does it all mean anyway?

take me back.

every day is a new page and another chapter left unread and unnoticed. im nothing. im no one.
i exist only to those who care. i am not the girl you think back to years later, over coffee, with newspapers and silence, and "oh, remember that girl? from high school? louise.."
im not her. im forgotton.

im nothing. im nothing like you. you, with your words and your ways and your poetry.
i dont write like that. i dont fit in anywhere. im not readable, im not moving or emotional. im plain. im simple. i write to please and satisfy myself but in the end im left with a bitter taste and let downs.

so much of what i wanted to say has slipped my mind.

but when it comes down to it.
im not good.

our time is almost here

i drove in the midst of nightfall with the only thing accompanying me and reminding me of my ties to the world was music. i drove and turned off the lights, just because i could. in that instant, i became one with the world. moonlight guided me on my gravel road.

im silent and still. allow yourself to see a side of the world you havent experienced. its like the trappings of our lives don't even matter. there's more to everything than the side you first see. allow yourself to take a secong glance.

do i push you away? do i really? i dont know myself anymore. i adapt to the people around me. i know who i am with other people. its when im by myself and i look into my own head that i get confused about who i am--what i am--who i have become. i dont recognize these feelings and this person.

i've adapted and changed. im not myself. but who is 'myself' anyway?

flashbacks and throwbacks

im infatuated. i am.
its scary.
you scare me. in the best way possible.
in such a good way i want more.

im so lost.
im out of control, im throwing around desires and infatuations like its my job.
i can count on my two hands, and it should be down to one.
this isnt okay.

but i am just who i am.
we all know that and expect it.

right?

i feel alive.
i feel so at home.
i feel so happy, like this is what ive been waiting for my entire life.
in cars and laughter and windows down, music.
nostalgic for these times.
ice cream on cold nights, banter, surrounded by friends.
texting to make plans for the next night.
too many ideas, too little time.

this is what i want.

love.

we are love. we are everything you want. we represent good times and indredible laughter. we are silly, fun, kind, and just girls.

last night was so much fun. i love new friends, not acquantinces, but friends. relationships that exist outside boundaries and dont stay inside the lines. friendships that allow you to relay your emotions in one of the best environments. allow you to let go and express and exist. relationships that parallel that at home and hint promises of lasting good times.

i love you all much, and i envy a few of you to no extent. you may know who you are, you may not. but i feel myself when i am with you and months of knowing each other doesn't mean anything.

ps maybe i love you? haha... oh geez

i make plans to break plans and i've been planning something big

i feel young.
i feel so frustrated.
i didnt know i had this inside of me until i opened it up.
and now i cant stop.

he wont let me grow. he wont let me adapt.
i know you love me, i know you care. i care a lot too, i know all of this.
but let me go!
let me live. let me experience. you know how you were when you were young. let this be the same for me.
i need to learn, i wont get hurt. i will be okay. im strong. you dont know this, because i dont think you see it.
you look at me and see five years old.
i look in the mirror and see nineteen.
how do we differ? we are so different and so much alike.
i understand where you are coming from, but i need to live! i need to not be smothered!
i cant tell if you are holding me to my dreams, my five year old self, or just not open to me growing and adapting.
i have new passions, i have a new way of life.
i need to discover them all!
i feel like you take it personally; is this what you wanted for me so now you are wanting it more than i?
i had to convince you for this too, now you are just so stuck in it you wont let it go.
i need to be free of this.
this is causing pain unlike anything i should be feeling.
i need to live my life without being afraid of you.
i am.. im afraid.

and i cant talk. i cant let it go because im so scared of hurting you.
but in realiity im hurting myself.

and im blowing this up.

im done.

from the road

new friends, old songs and a sense of adventure & laughter go a long way along the lines of memorable moments

cross my heart and hope to die these dreams of yours are gonna fly

this is where i am supposed to be.
this is where i am.
i come, and everything falls into place.
dreams i never expected to come alive, but rather sit dormant in my heart and in my head are dripping with life and making me happy to be alive.
hanging out with tour managers.
seeing something corporate 'in concert'
riding racehorses.

this is what i want to do. this is who i am. this is who i am becoming.
my dreams are not only dreams, they are becoming realities.
i am becoming the person i want to be.
things are falling into place.

on top of a horse, galloping over a hill, i couldnt help but smile.
crouched low over the back and neck, hands meshed with mane and reins, perched neatly on top of a moving animal, feeling the power course through its body into you, the smells of sweat and heat and fall mixed with summer, every noise drowned from your head except that of the wind whistling by, and hoofbeats resonating throughout every inch of you.
my dream. this has been my dream.
for years, for months, for near eternity.
since i was in second grade.
to ride atop a racehorse and feel all those feelings. to feel every second as if it was life's most crucial decision.
and i wasnt even on a track.
i wasnt even on an impressive animal.
i wasnt even going that fast.

but it did it. it made the cut.
it fulfilled my life dream.

i am content.
i am happy.

i am alive.

secret love and the fastest way to loneliness

there is always that moment before lips touch lips when every emotion is hung in suspension.
when you realize you are wanted.
that instant relays so much more than could ever have been expected.
the desire.
rough desire.
between two people.
or maybe its holding the promise of a future and dedication of two in love.
a signal to those who look on that there is committment.
perhaps it is the last exchange between two, with the dread of farewell lurking on the fringes of present time.
or its the sign of putting past arguments behind and moving on in a relationship.
theres so much meaning in that moment of seconds.
where time can slow down or speed up
where you feel.

i want to exist in that time.
i want to know that i am hung in a frame of a matter of seconds, which means nothing to the infinity of stretch of time that exists in this world, but means everything at that moment.
in that time where my mind has stopped and can not get past.
where my senses were slowed, reaction times were grown, and yet my mind is fixated on that one moment that meant nothing.
yet these words, they were born from it.
they were created and strung together in that instant.

it all made sense.

guess what? im done writing you songs

you push me away.
i somewhat cant take it. i cant handle the constant caring and the constant worrying, i cant escape it and it kills me to know we have fallen apart.
i cant handle the trying to force you to talk. i want it to be easy as it was years ago, i want to live in the dreams we've held for eachother. not in the way we built them up, not with the meaning and emotion that made them so worthwhile, but in the way that i long for you to care, for you to notice me. i want you to notice me.
much of who i am today is based on our interactions years ago. years ago. where has the time gone?
but honestly, would it kill you? would it kill you to care?
i can name three people i hardly know that will give me more than the time of the day.. and you barely give me that. i feel like im forcing you to share your deepest secrets against your will, but really im just asking how you are. whats going on in your life. i miss knowing you. when did we fall so deeply apart and when will this end?
do you know how much you kill me? do you know that this pain that has lied dormant for so long only rises up wen we try to talk again.

the tiniest notions of what you are doing and what you feel make me melt, make me long for days that are long past, and that we've both come to terms with. i dont want this anymore, i just long for the feeling of it.
you are very engrained into who i am, and its beyond borders of what we were. no one understand that, not even you.

just open up to me and remember who you are talking to. dont you remember? dont you remember?


im very very tired of being forced into feeling like i must continue this unhealthy relationship.
i cant handle being the one who iniates all conversations, and then being completely let down when all i get in return to my exuberant remarks is one word answers that are completely void of any lick of emotion.
and its not that i care for him in that way anymore, i just allowed him to be so integrated into who i am and allowed him to change me in ways that i truely love, and still do, and dont regret, that i cant let him go in any sense of the word, not so much in love, but in friendship.
and i dont get any of it. i dont get anything in return for how hard i try to be there for him, and how hard i try to start conversation, and make this friendship work. and i cant let it go.
i just cant get out of it. and it kills me. i just want the time of day from him. proof that he somewhat cares about this relationship. and its so up and down, so damn predictable, that it hurts me even more. i can expect what will happen, its happened in such a predictable cycle over the past three years, and i cant break the monotony. and i cant handle it
theres times when he cares and talks to me, and we talk, and he calls, and then we go to me calling and never getting a call back, one message after another, one IM after another, and i cant do it anymore. i cant start conversations with no one replying and i cant let it go either
i cant say this to him, because he just wont care, he wont change, and if he does change, it will be for a week, and then im back to where i was. but i cant let go, i cant get out of it!

i just need to escape. this is why i hide behind meanings in songs that barely relate, and relate exactly. that seem like they dont fit, but i cant explain just how they speak volumes to me, how they echo my inner thoughts exactly, how they mirror what i feel in those moments before i fall asleep and my thoughts are nothing but truth.
this is why i hide behind words that are written in ways to obscure even my most direct thoughts, in ways to release how i feel and to make myself feel better. in hope that maybe one day he will stumble across this and rather than get angry, but realize how i feel. because heaven knows ive tried to make myself be known to no prevail yet. ive failed in every area possible with him, i havent gotten through yet.
i hide behind words, even though i live in fear that one day he will read this, he will find out how i feel.

i lay myself exposed everyday in hopes someone will read these words and not feel resentment towards me, but stumble across and find the meanings i lay so deeply in these words, in these constructed sentences.

i long for a time that once was, not in the way it would seem, but in the way of the definity of the moment, of knowing who i was and what was to come.
of knowing there was someone to understand.

for coley

maybe i havent explained myself, maybe i havent been with in touch with myself as i should be.
do i focus on my misgivings and don't accentuate my good sides, the things that make me who i am?

i love my life. i honestly do. im plagued with worry and confusion about my future, but the present is totally making everything worthwhile.
i go to shows. often. not as often as i'd like, but i go often, and they always work out. hanging out with tour managers and hitting on merch guys and making connections. i make connections. i can get where i need to be, with only a little bit of convincing. and i can, i can win. i can do this. my life is right there and i can reach it and i can do it.

i love my family. i couldnt be more blessed with who i have been born into. my mom is my best friend. my dad is a strong guidance in my life. my brothers keep me grounded and allow me to laugh at life. i couldnt ask for anything better. it blows me away how close i am with my family, with those who have the ability to make or break my mood, my life, my dreams, who i am. they influence me so greatly, and i allow it. because i love how they influence me.

my friends. how do i even start? i can't even begin to describe what i feel for those four girls who await my arrival at home; those other friends at home who keep me entertained and grounded and i would do anything for. i would, i would do anything for you. new friends and old friends and just everyone who has a piece of my heart. you know who you are, and if you doubt it, you should just talk to me more and you will know. my friends in kentucky.. one month and already im blown away by how much fun we can have and laughter shared and memories created. hours sitting in rooms with nothing to do but to know eachother and exist. and laugh and complain and learn and everything and nothing. its incredible, and i appreciate you all so incredibly much. and then those very from newjersey who still are a part of my life, distance set aside. you know who i am talking about, and you are honestly wholey and hugely integrated into my life, and we can never fall apart. you have been there for me through the darkest and most terrible part of my life (honestly) and still we remain.

i love you all, all of you.

you mean everything to me.

(better?)

i just typed so much of everything i wanted to say and be told, but it was deleted and now i cant be bothered to type it all up again.

confusions got a hold of me, and now i don't know what to do. so many past events are being brought up and now i dont know what to do, how to handle myself.
past dreams i thought were laid to rest are brought up with the intense passion they started with. they originated from. this inward battle isn't over, as i thought it was. i dont know how to live for it, but i do know how to live with my newest dreams. how do i deal with this, how do i accomplish both? do i need the experience like i think i do? do i need to live for it like i think i did?

being in the library makes me feel something im not used to. being in frat houses makes me feel a part of something im not. im not that, im not who you think i am. im two people in one, and its starting to get ahold of me.

i just want to be known, to be read. putting it out there isn't enough, i need peole to resonate with my emotions and thoughts, i need people to discuss how i feel and how i look at the world i need people to read this and want to be with me, my mind needs to get the best of someone until they are all i have.

seeing people love someone else makes me feel happy, as if i am loved myself. i am not. i want someone to love me the way other people love.
i have such a capacity for this, and no one understands.