the rising tide will not let you forget me

i'm over it. its all words. i never wanted to invest anything in them anyway. it never leads anywhere anyway. i'm disappointed, let down, and should have seen it coming.

on a lighter note, at least two of the most influential people in my life are getting along so so very well, and it makes me want to stick around a bit longer.

destiny's knocking at my door

you were alive today. my heart was happy.

the door was left ajar and a wind relentless pushed it open. in with the breeze came a breath of fresh air. it was familiar and whispered all the right things.
do you remember the long conversations on the phone? do you remember sharing secrets by twilight and fast fingers? do you remember the smile that danced continually?

the right thing will happen.

i hate feeling left out but i keep telling myself its just because of the newness of the relationship.

that's all i have today.

love conquers hate

we're all searching for something. for something that we can hold on to, to keep ourselves sane. to keep ourselves grounded. sometimes this one temporary thing that at the time seems permanent.. this one thing will work for awhile. we invest in it. we hold on to it and tell ourselves its okay. we will make it through. we will persevere. and then you fall. you hit rock bottom. or maybe you don't.. maybe you just realize that its a lie. all these things you've been telling yourself are simply little white lies to help you get through. so we realize that what we've known for so long, what we've put our trust, time and full-hearted belief in is false. it's nothing more than pretend. and if you are truly honest with yourself--if you sit down and are one hundred percent open--you will realize how unhappy you are. how all these things--a car, a job, clothes, food, dinners, tvs, stereos, ipods, computers--are nothing more than distractions to make us believe we are content. we are successful. we are happy. and these relationships--family and friends--are just shells of what they were and what they could be. that this so called potential we've lived up to (and don't we have the gadgets to prove it!) is nothing more than a starting point.

and that's where you can find hope. a starting point.

unless you are stagnant. and the support you thought you had really just criticizes you every step of the way. out of love, of course. but the plans you hold for your future are kept secret for fear of disapproval, of rejection. or worse, being scoffed at. because you know its easier going forward with plans that don't have any sort of criticism than to think you aren't supported.

deep down, we wish we had support. we wish we all could be happy. we wish our fears weren't legit.

this is once in a lifetime

for once i'm going to post something other than my own words, my own thoughts.

this song is beautiful, and poignant. and i'm proud to say the mind that wrote this is a friend.

i needed somewhere to keep these words safe so i could read them whenever i got the urge.

"the revenge of holden caulfield"
nothing ever stays

it took some trust on your part
to say the things you need, to say the things you need
and i wont say anything that i can't take back, that i can't take back
cause i'm a fake, and i cant do this anymore

its not the first time that i've heard this
its nothing new and i might regret it
there's no words to speak to explain this
so just be patient and i'll make this painless
i tried to tell you but you never quite got it
kept pushing forward and you knew it needed to stop
it grows harder and harder to break

just a few months and you're way to close
and i'm taking back, i take two steps back
because your words are just too real
and i won't regret any words i say
cause i'm a fake
and i've led you on for way to long

its not the first time that i've heard this (its just the beginning)
its nothing new and i might regret it (its nothing new and its not worth sending)
there's no words to speak to explain this (i could be wrong)
so just be patient and i'll make this painless
i tried to tell you but you never quite got it (but it was bad timing on your part)
kept pushing forward and you knew it needed to stop (kept pushing)
it grows harder and harder to break

its not the first time that i've heard this
its nothing new and i might regret it
there's no words to speak to explain this
so just be patient and i'll make this painless
i tried to tell you but you never quite got it
kept pushing forward and you knew it needed to stop
it grows harder and harder to break

a long long time ago a holy baby was born

the more i try to find contentment in worldly things--in materials, in relationships, in family, in dreams--the more i get let down. the harder i fall. the more i come to realize that what lies within isn't contentment, its temporary satisfaction. temporary.

i struggle with a lot, but none so prevalently as home. as finding comfort, as being safe, as being free to relax. i find all that i am met with is cold, sarcasm, attitude, stubbornness.. a lack of understanding. a lack of understanding. and the incredible lack of ability to attempt so. judgment, persecution, relentless annoyance. constant needing to be right, to correct, to put down. and i'm not free of this. i stand amongst. i throw the stones, and i wonder why. as the rock leaves my hand, my mind asks "am i no better? am i getting satisfaction? is this what i believe it? is this who i am?"

and the answer is a resounding no.

i need out. i need to find something more. not that this isn't enough for me; it always has been. but this restlessness has been put on my heart for a reason, and i must find out why. it's not a matter of luxury but of survival. if i fail, i fall.

this isn't a need to turn my back on my past, on my family, on this building once home, now house. this is a need to embrace where i come from. to discover new meaning. to put everything in order. to bring back to life what has died. to give me hope.

because that is what i am lacking. i am starving for hope. for a reason to wake up. for a meaning bigger than sleeping in and staying up. my home is something i longed for--when things were unfamiliar, i longed to be in my bed, surrounded with familiar voices and scenary. but something inside me has changed and that's no longer the case. i find myself trying to find comfort in friends, family, coffeehouses, books--and it's not clicking. its all falling short and it's paining me.

i'm constantly pushing people away and i don't understand what inside me is causing to do it.

on the night of the day of the birth of my Savior, and my eyes won't stop with this crying. there's something wrong.

i'm so much better when i say your name

i'm not right. when i close my eyes at night i'm plagued by moments of my life that were never, and will never, be my own. by thoughts that haunt me in my dreams. by things that i wish happened. by eyes that can well up in seconds, threatening to spill over and reveal secrets that i keep hidden even from myself. i never know exactly how to categorize the storm raging inside of me. i never know the cause of it, how to fix it. i can sit for hours and think of what may have caused this feeling, this panic, this fearfulness. i can sit for hours and figure out ways to solve it, ways that always fall short. that never make ends meet ends. that never connect. failure. it all comes back to that. its full circle and i'm stuck in the cycle. i need help breaking through but moving too fast to grab ahold. it comes back to drowning. it centers on the word. on suffocation. on slipping. on everything bad. i need freedom.

i'm searching for a change of pace.

i've had enough of your games

why can't you just be wrong for once?
when you hit that tone, when that laugh comes out, i know. and it triggers something in me. i wish i could just say something, but i'm scared.. scared you'll be angry, scared you'll take it personally. and truth be told, i care too much about you for you to be angry with me. i know its silly, but sometimes it is easier to take the fall.

i take so much crap and inward pain just because i don't want to hurt your feelings. i take things too personally. i wish you didn't have to always be right, even when you are wrong. i wish you could just admit you were wrong. and i can't say anything to you.

i hate how personal everyone is. that is the one thing i can't stand about this. about all of this. its all personal.