come on, get higher

there's something about coffee that leaves me with the aftertaste of regret.
i've come across the fact i'm not as prepared to grow up as i thought i was. this summer was unlike anything i expected, not totally for the better. i wear myself out with expectations and the urgency and drive to meet them, only to find myself far flung and exhausted with keeping up. it's not that i'm let down, it's just that i'm mildly disappointed.

i wanted to be swept off me feet. not for keeps, just for a season. i wanted carefree when i wasn't busy making my dreams come true, and instead i got hot and alone. time slipped through my fingers as quickly as the sand of the beaches i walk on, and i'm finding myself without the ocean crashing against my shins. i'm caught off guard. where did it all go? i miss laughing, i miss volleyball, i miss reading by candlelight, i miss bonfires and wine. there isn't enough time for everything, and miles separate us enough to make it not possible.

i live inside music that makes me nostalgic for times that never even existed. i have a vision in my head that never plays out quite how i want it.

this isn't going to end the way it always does. i won't be overcome. sometimes you get pulled in a different direction, and its not necessarily bad. it's just different. i'm learning this, i'm moving on.

even though i've been feeling like my hour glass has been running out since august, i'll be okay with it. i'm learning to live in the moment and to embrace it all. i have the strongest support system anyone could ask for, and i'm secure in myself. i know who i am, and that's more than a lot of people can say.

i'll be back. i'll have plenty of nights spent on the sand listening to crashing waves to fall in love. it didn't pan out how i wanted this time, but there's someone looking out for me, and i'll find it all soon enough.

i'm liberated.