now shes shutting down

my heart cant handle this.
im terrified of being alone. and you go, and she will go, and im alone.
im all alone.
you are the reason its so great here. and im terrified you are making a mistake. not because of my own selfishness, but because you dont realize it. you are happy.
you dont know what its like to truly hate a place. to desire to be anywhere else in the world, that if you stay there one more minute your brain will shut down and your body will collapse and your heart will follow. to feel such resentment and hatred that no matter what, you feel you cant live anymore. to truly despise most everything around you.
and now i know how it was. for you. for her. for them all. to listen.
im so sorry, because i had no idea my words contained so much anger, bitterness, poison. i had no idea it could kill.
you dont know.
you think.
but you really dont. and you shouldnt. you shouldnt ever. you should leave.

her hand is on the doorknob and her fingers are trailing off the cool metal. one twist right and this is gone. forever. the phone doesn't want to be woken up and it doesnt work too well both ways. secrets will remain hidden. go ahead and talk. go ahead. behind my back, behind closed doors. my silence will raise questions, and will raise suspicion. but i wont cave. because the second the words come, so will the tears.

i need on again. this is going no where good.
you wont be happier and you will regret it.

hes stringing her along and she cant even see it. he has a crush but really he is just crushing her heart. holding hands is more like holding grudges. its better to keep them close. it hurts more that way.

i didnt know this morning my world could crash.

the second i let someone close, they disappear.

you're crashing, but you're no wave

my life is a single cycle. what i put in comes right back out. and the days, weeks, months, seasons, years all pass with relative predictability. time keeps changing, i am nostalgic for the same reasons, the same feelings, and its the same year after year.
rain and a cool breeze reminds me of spring. brings me back to last year walking lavender lined sidewalks with people who made me laugh. i was content in those moments. it was in those other moments where my world fell down.
and now. i long for the same. dull green and grey isnt cutting it right now. the lack of snow and the lack of continuity is playing with my mind. i find myself listening to the same i have been for years and years. longing for the longing to return home. homesick is a state of mind, and im travelling.
i nevrer knew i had this drive in me, this drive to sit and accomplish. but its all for the wrong reasons, or is it the right reason? did you know a little bit of recognition can go a long way? i'm pouring a lot into this too. so much time, thoughts, day dreaming. maybe you're scared of it. so am i.
but if you left it up to me, everyday would be a holiday from real
if only you knew what we had planned for next year.
if only you knew how well it will fall through.
if only you knew how much hope this gives me.
i've said it before and of course its in reference to you.
my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
im a stupid girl and i get excited way too easily. what do you expect? its been years since someone has cared.
even if you dont, you do a great job of pretending. and thats enough for me to live on.
i feel content. content with myself.
with the windows open.
with the door open.
metaphorically and literally.
theres so much planned for the next few months, its a wonder my mind isnt being blown.
im more content when im busy. things are more spontaneous this way.
no room for time and breathing allows for more time to blow off plans and create new ones.
i love it.
i cant wait.
for the rain and the green and the tires on the road. loud music and laughter intermixed with live music.
oh, its going to be a blast.

usher in spring 2007.

lost in you and i cant find myself

seemingly happy and possibly expecting something.
im so scared im alone in this, im feeling more than i should.
im afraid these words will go unread and unrecognized.
that the eyes they are intended for will or will not pass over without putting two and two together.
its all about putting two and two together.
its crazy, this. it is.
its repetition for years past and this is far less legit.
oh, im terrified of a chance encounter.
what havok it may wreak. and how much pleasure may be taken from it.

you have no idea. and i wish those words were for me.
i feel that they are but its just because im so vain.

oh i feel so exposed and so out there.
so exhilarated though. as if this is what i want.
i miss the rush.
i miss the hesitation.
i miss the daring.

make me whole.

one day we'll get nostalgic for disaster

who knew old songs could bring back so much.
old friends mix with new friends and middle friends and it all just blends together.
add a handful of memories, a pinch of love, and blend.

its crazy how looking at black and white pictures, comopletely lack of colour, can brighten your life. make you long for days you never knew you had. for dust, music, sun, and flipflops. playing chase with gallons of water. smores in pockets. you know what i mean.
i long for when i can look back into the past and be content with life the way i am now. to looking into the present and be thrilled with the day to day living.

im so nostalgic for that. sun drenched days. when you look back and the memories are faded and sepia colored. because thats all you remember are those shades.
girls and laughter. the first night and so much trust. allowed to be led blind into the night in an unfamiliar area. deep drops didnt break our bond. lets hold hands tighter and step into the friendships.
this might mean nothing to you, but it means everything to you.

smile towards me one more time. it might just break my heart and make me more vulnerable.
its all i ask for.
its all i want.

you dont know it, but you plague my mind. get you out of my mind.

i need you here, i need you now, i need security somehow. i need you like you would not believe. you're the only thing i want because you are everything, everything i need.

i remember when those words meant something. resonated in my heart.

dont let me fall into it. save me from myself.
i want these words to make things right, but its the wrongs that make these words come to life

oh, i am so tacky.