i'm a careless season.

its the way i cant fall asleep at night and the way i'm holding on. its the way i know better and the way i wish i could forget this. i had myself convinced from the beginning this was a bad idea and nothing more; a daydream and a whimsical notion. but then you talked me into it. i talked myself into it. its funny how easily one can let go of the doubt by not a single word being passed. in the worst of times, it's when i fall. when i'm caught off guards.

i want this feeling to end. i want you to go away. i'm sick of caring and i'm sick of wondering. of guessing. of knowing i'm being unrealistic. this is nothing and i expect nothing. yet there is the tiniest part of me that can't seem to get out of the way, that can't seem to make up her mind. there is part that reads between the lines and closes her eyes on a sigh.

i walk around during the day and my mind is restless. not on you. on everyone else. come nightfall, you are my only thought. its ridiculous.

i want to forget this. i want to be who i was a few months ago. this needs to be over.

your secrets keep you sick

i'm so sick of it.
of constantly people thinking i'm weak. of not being able to handle things. of turns on a dime and plunging and rising up. i can't take it. i can't handle the fact my biggest confidante is now a completle stranger and such a fragile relationship. i can't take not being understood and feeling as if i'm always walking on egg shells. of inconsistancy and not knowing and feeling alone and feeling fulfilled and falling. of being exhausted during the days and wide awake at nights. of hours alone yet together. of disappointment. of things being harder than they should be. then a full plate and no motivation. of knowing this is all something i'm making up in my head. of not being able to write anymore. of losing my touch. of losing my mind. of stagnant music and stagnant words and nothing new and nothing exciting.

i can't handle it. i want a huge change. a shock. something i can embrace with wide open arms and a smile on my face. i want something to move me so deep i can feel it in every fiber of my being. i want to be not let down. i want to be impressed and astounded and thrilled. i want to have my breath stolen. i'm so tired of mediocracy. i'm so sick of not feeling.

i can't handle this canyon between us. so many things have changed in the past few months. so much. i hate it. i hate how i hold my breath and press send and i hate feeling like there's someone over your shoulder and i hate so much it's scaring me.

i want to forget. i want to go so far away. i want to live day by day and month by month and graduate to year by year. i want to know what's going to happen to me and i want to forget you so badly. i want to so badly that i can't at all.

i am so fragile. i am so strong. i am nothing at all.

i can only wish.

you killed me. you have no idea. you have no idea what i'm feeling anymore. you know nothing. you know that i am so full of hatred right now and it's scaring me. there is so much to say to you and no grounds to do so. i am nothing. she will laugh. this is ridiculous. you are not your own self. you think one thing but even i can figure it out.

i wish i could say 'whatever' and mean it. i wish i could not care.

i'm writing you a symphony of sound

this one is for the stars.
i took one step forward and there was an excruciating pain, but i fought through it and i'm back on track.
dresses, skirts, swings, night skies. phone calls, giggles, camera flashes, memories. this is everything i knew would happen.
sitting out in the chill with a cup of coffee and a few good friends. running into people from the past, car rides and cd listening parties.
"let's drive into ohio for fireworks."
our ability to form plans on the drop of a hat and create new ones on a turn on a dime.
we're living day by day, night by night. we count our existance in falling stars and minutes gone by. we are infinite in these moments of laughter and deep talks. we are alive every second we breathe. we are living life the way it should be.

i'm only hindered slightly. but give me a few weeks and i'll be alright. you meant more to me than i thought, but minutes wasted are revived in the seconds we run. we're young, we're reckless. we're going to make it out alive.

i swung my feet into the air, stretched back as far as i could, and kicked the stars. we're making it big.

this summer isn't how i expected. i wanted nights in grass, fingers entwined, and 'kisses under starry night skies.' but this life we're living is more than second best.

this could be yours

i lay here in the middle of my room. surrounded by a desert of carpet, strewn items, and lost hope.

i know this time around there were exceptions and reasons. it wasn't just a change of heart nor a change of mind. but it still hurts a little. my head has grown too heavy to hold up and my tears spill over my hands. my breath is coming shorter and shorter and my eyes are growing weary. i'm left trying to fit answers to "what if"s and "what happened"s.

it always ends the same way. doubt. confusion. lack of confidence and lack of self approval. left wondering "whats wrong with me"
i'm easy to pass up. to walk away from. to forget. i'm so easy to forget. i'm left in the wake of disaster and linger for a bit. walking through a room of memories, fingers brushing the dust covered trophy case of good intentions and day dreams. i wake up with my heart content and fall asleep with my heart bruised.

i don't understand. if i'm half as good as people say i am, why do i allow myself to get crushed so easily? why has it been years and years since something real, and months since any real potential? and how do people remember to forget me so easily?

am i that unimpressionable?

as my breath trembles out of shaking lips, i have to ask myself what is the point in trying?
i sit back and wait for things to come to me, Lord knows i have been patient, and it's getting me nowhere.

i hate feeling like this.
not good enough.

whereever you are, i hope that you're happy

i can look around this room and point out instances of my life. moments of definition, of maturity, of laughter and tears. reminiscene. i know exactly where i am. including you.

the past few days have left me wondering so much. regretting a few. at terms with others; uneasy with more. i wish i could take a few steps back in time; id change a few things here and there.
i'm okay. it didn't take long. but sometimes these tears still want to fall and sometimes they would rather not. the inconsistancy is what is throwing me. that and my dreams of else..

the only constant thing i have is the clicking of these keys. sometimes they betray me, sometimes they encourage me. other times they tear me down and are my worst vice. the way i word things is a disappointment and a let down--especially when i allow myself to get so inspired.. comparable..

i haven't any idea where any of this may lead me. this whole month could go up in smoke. these next two could die off quite easily. ten weeks down the road and who really knows? so much has changed in a short amount of time. i can't expect it to stay the same forever.

i've learned holding my breath and praying is better than opening my mouth. i speak too quickly, too harshly, too rashly. i'll never learn.

this isn't what i intended. i secretly expected this, but deep down wished against it. right now, i'm thinking it might be okay. but it still hurts at times. it still does.

to my right is the love of my life. i wish i could curl up in a ball, place a hand over my eyes, and fall asleep. i wish my biggest worry was 'is she going to come up at nine tonight, or will i have to meet her halfway?'

oh, how my heart breaks daily.

tell me just how dangerous is second best

if you surround yourself with greatness, it will become you.

i'm setting my goals high.
i'm only conversing and befriending those who have standards, who have stories, who have dreams, who have gumption, who have beliefs, who have faith, who have a history, who have ambition, who command attention.

i want to immerse myself in people who care more about the world than wrecking havoc on it. i want to talk to those who have more to say than who is dating who.

i want my attention to be caught and kept.

old friends from the past have come up recently again. its amazing how time can pass and still nothing can change. true friendship. true connection.

you're always in my heart.

to hell with you and all your friends

this is me dragging my heart around town tied to the back of that car we used to ride around in.
this is me wishing minutes too late on clocks turned hours behind.
i'm just one beat off and one step behind.
i'm kicking myself just to keep up.
slapping my own cheeks red to stay awake and feel alive.

somedays i can bear it. others i simply cannot.
i know its more than this, i know its more than just simplicities and i know all this.
but theres still so much of me that despises you for stringing me along, saying those words i wanted to hear so badly, only to let me fall so hard, and allow me to fall while you ran away.
words falling on deaf ears.
words screaming for blind eyes.

pictures forcing themselves down into my memory, shaking images i've learned to come to love.
it's all a myth. forget what anyone tells you.

oh, how its all so fleeting.

i think thats what i struggle with the most.
turning on a dime. from one day to the next.
one hundred and eighty degree turn.
one night can change everything. they weren't kidding about that.
i just didn't think it was possible..