my heart cant take it anymore

im always so sad and i dont understand why. its not that im trying to be like this, and its not like it was, but its just not me.
im not a sad person. and i think sometimes i am very very very happy. but the tiniest things can set me off. no acknowledgement of something that doesnt require it. an old friend ignoring, not initiating conversation.

your first hand words are making me fall in second hand love.

sometimes i cant stand myself, what i struggle to fit myself into, the lines i draw and the constraints i try to follow. other time i am completely happy with my life, my connections.
i take joy in envy and boast of things that aren't my own and are based on lies.

i have a bad habit of leaning on others for support. can i even stand on my own?

sometimes the words just don't come out. sometimes they can't. sometimes i don't know how to word anything. days later i come back and am surprised with myself. these are the days i wish i could not doubt myself. everythings looks better in hindsight.