you are the judas of the cheerleading squad.

its been awhile since i've spit flames, but i believe i'm overdue.
words only go so far; in the real world, actions have to make due.
and yours have fallen short by miles, ages, and friendships.
reassure me all you want, apologize all you want, you're only fueling a burning fire. you said you meant it, but its your word i'm taking at face value. and words never really meant much to me.
i can't believe you would have the audacity.

its only in times like these where my thoughts don't process right. so i'm done.

goodnight.
and good luck.

let me be with you tonight

this night was infinity. i painted it black when i closed my eyes. we froze time when we climbed onto roofs, sat in the moonlight, and let the city, stars, and cigarette butts cast a glow. laughter drifting on the humid summer air, rocks pelting into streets, and making plans for another day. sleeping under stars. when hours and days aren't enough time, overnights are the answer.

hands brush.

a shining light for you

i'm nostalgic for summer. in the ways i don't want to see it part. i am sad for days gone of waking up and joining eighty people i love. of having no agenda at nights. of moments of sun touching the world. of rainstorms that roar for attention, where you get soaked in one drop. of laughter and pureness, of innocence, tennis, swimming. trampolines and grass.

i let it go. i didn't hold onto every second. i didn't embrace every passing moment. it slid through my fingers before i remembered to grasp on. i'm left with two weeks and a head full of memories. wishes for another month. tears in the past, and tinges of regret over missing links. void of music but full of wiffleball in parking lots, skipping out on office work for hours of sliding through shaving cream, water, and mud. trade in something live for something from years back. wholesome songs. friends over summers and friends for all of time. it was a fair trade, and my heart is left reeling.

july is the reason i live. for a higher purpose, for feelings of contentment, completion, 'ungainfulness'. dancing under hand strung stars in ridiculous fashions. conversations of literally or figuratively. standing agasp of hometown celebrities and laughter tracing the air.

this is something i never want to see die.

i'm putting my heart out on the line

i just want to be noticed. to be cared for. i want you to care.

i'm tired of chances getting tossed away because of miles, of lack of time. poor excuses in a real world. not everything is perfect, and i'm learning to wait. to trust. to put my faith in something that will last more than a day, a week. i understand the lesson i'm learning but it's been wearing me down for years now. a sidetrip would be worth it, would make it okay. i fall too hard but its because i haven't fallen enough. you're building me up for something better, for something worthwhile, for something that won't break my heart and i know this, but i wish it existed within the lines i see everyday, within a short drive away. within conversations that leave me existing on a cloud, that leave me wanting more. everyday and i can't get enough. it's more than just a month long, more than just two months long. my eyes haven't grown weary, nor my heart.

let me know what this means, or let me go. direct my attention elsewhere.
you know i'm made of rock, i won't fall without your command.
you have every ounce of me, allow me to live for something else.

i have finally realized why july is the greatest month of my year.
why the sun seems to shine brighter and brighter than any other day.
why i can run on no sleep.
why i can hang out with the same people for over 50 hours a week and crave more.

the laughter. the understanding. the same purpose. more than just life. more than a few years. its forever.
the unique. the same. different outside and inside, but our hearts beat in the same fashion.

only those who live forever are those who catch my attention for a lifetime. only those who know there is more then the end of a night are those who i can say goodnight to without holding my breath.

and, sidenote. i want you in my life. for more than a few months.
why don't you find out if there is something more to stick around for?

put a little love in it

i feel so fulfilled these days. my life has been given purpose. it's been a while since i've needed a therapy, since i've needed to escape; relax and relapse. this music is familiar and my heart & mind know the dance. it's one fluid motion.
for her, its been a rough day. it was hard for her to keep her smile when she felt as if she were unravelling. one tug and the ball of yarn fell apart. her soul is fragile and its hard for her to stand on her own. but shes finding inspiration, her strength, confidence. shes finding it in you. and she is whole.

i want you to take notice. to open your eyes and realize i could be what you are looking for. you intrigue me. i want to know your secrets, your vices, your stories. past, present, future hopes. dreams. memories. i don't want to be a season. i don't want to be looked back on and a casual acquaintance. i want to mean more than everyday. than a bump in your day. more than fine.

dream me whole. i could use this. and not for myself. not for my sanity. but because i want this to be something more than a few days. a few months. i could use this. as could you.

i need inspiration

frustrated.
you are mediocre.
and you dont know it.
its a matter of opening your eyes. realizing what is wrong, what is right. you aren't anything special, not right now, but you have the ability to be. stop with the words, stop with the forcing things. you aren't getting this anywhere. be productive. open up. i am in this for the right reasons, but sometimes i wonder that your passion is muddy. i won't be able to handle this that long if this is how its going to be. i odnt want to control your every step, but with each foot forward you stray further off the path of common sense. think. don't act. be professional. you treat this as friendships and a laughing matter. this isn't something that we can do on by the seat of our pants. we need to calculate every move, and write it off as a business deal. you have nothing of this. you aren't ready for this.
and because of this, you are losing me.
its a few more months, and this loss of interest will mix with my lacking motivation and your stupidity, meld with this dream, and tear it to the ground.

in other news,
i'm more puzzled that i have ever been. words fall out of my lips like rain in the desert. this absense of the known is creating a barrier between my heart and my head. so many opprotunies and no direction to handle them. i'm sitting at a crossroads with my fingers crossed. i cast wishes to the heavens above me but they are getting lost on the way. my words only go as far as the ceilings, and fall back to the ground. crash and burn. i feel alone, and so fulfilled. i am alive. my smile has grown brighter, and i'm hoping i'm not the only one realizing this.

i'm tired of black holes. of never being able to escape. the problem of pride; the main issue is there is no solution. i can't free myself of it.

my heart is uneasy these days.

destiny will blow me away

there was a moment where i stopped running, slipped, and fell into a puddle of time. held my breath and in an instant weeks had passed. i came to and everything around me was changed. twisted, only resembling what it was lungfuls ago.
old songs are dominating my airwaves and taking my mind with it. i'm back to where i was a few months ago, a few summers ago. "there's things that aren't worth giving up" but i haven't found them in the context of what i'm looking for. my eyes and heart grew tired of watching good ideas come and go, wearing me down. they gave up. my eyelids are heavy with waiting and my chest weighed down with deep breaths. i'm letting you go. one year ago i wasn't anywhere near where i am now, and i know i am free. this is free. when she stops responding and caring, he is out the door in an instant.

at night i close my eyes tight and pray i can write how i used to. i want myself back.

i'm a careless season.

its the way i cant fall asleep at night and the way i'm holding on. its the way i know better and the way i wish i could forget this. i had myself convinced from the beginning this was a bad idea and nothing more; a daydream and a whimsical notion. but then you talked me into it. i talked myself into it. its funny how easily one can let go of the doubt by not a single word being passed. in the worst of times, it's when i fall. when i'm caught off guards.

i want this feeling to end. i want you to go away. i'm sick of caring and i'm sick of wondering. of guessing. of knowing i'm being unrealistic. this is nothing and i expect nothing. yet there is the tiniest part of me that can't seem to get out of the way, that can't seem to make up her mind. there is part that reads between the lines and closes her eyes on a sigh.

i walk around during the day and my mind is restless. not on you. on everyone else. come nightfall, you are my only thought. its ridiculous.

i want to forget this. i want to be who i was a few months ago. this needs to be over.

your secrets keep you sick

i'm so sick of it.
of constantly people thinking i'm weak. of not being able to handle things. of turns on a dime and plunging and rising up. i can't take it. i can't handle the fact my biggest confidante is now a completle stranger and such a fragile relationship. i can't take not being understood and feeling as if i'm always walking on egg shells. of inconsistancy and not knowing and feeling alone and feeling fulfilled and falling. of being exhausted during the days and wide awake at nights. of hours alone yet together. of disappointment. of things being harder than they should be. then a full plate and no motivation. of knowing this is all something i'm making up in my head. of not being able to write anymore. of losing my touch. of losing my mind. of stagnant music and stagnant words and nothing new and nothing exciting.

i can't handle it. i want a huge change. a shock. something i can embrace with wide open arms and a smile on my face. i want something to move me so deep i can feel it in every fiber of my being. i want to be not let down. i want to be impressed and astounded and thrilled. i want to have my breath stolen. i'm so tired of mediocracy. i'm so sick of not feeling.

i can't handle this canyon between us. so many things have changed in the past few months. so much. i hate it. i hate how i hold my breath and press send and i hate feeling like there's someone over your shoulder and i hate so much it's scaring me.

i want to forget. i want to go so far away. i want to live day by day and month by month and graduate to year by year. i want to know what's going to happen to me and i want to forget you so badly. i want to so badly that i can't at all.

i am so fragile. i am so strong. i am nothing at all.

i can only wish.

you killed me. you have no idea. you have no idea what i'm feeling anymore. you know nothing. you know that i am so full of hatred right now and it's scaring me. there is so much to say to you and no grounds to do so. i am nothing. she will laugh. this is ridiculous. you are not your own self. you think one thing but even i can figure it out.

i wish i could say 'whatever' and mean it. i wish i could not care.