our time is almost here

i drove in the midst of nightfall with the only thing accompanying me and reminding me of my ties to the world was music. i drove and turned off the lights, just because i could. in that instant, i became one with the world. moonlight guided me on my gravel road.

im silent and still. allow yourself to see a side of the world you havent experienced. its like the trappings of our lives don't even matter. there's more to everything than the side you first see. allow yourself to take a secong glance.

do i push you away? do i really? i dont know myself anymore. i adapt to the people around me. i know who i am with other people. its when im by myself and i look into my own head that i get confused about who i am--what i am--who i have become. i dont recognize these feelings and this person.

i've adapted and changed. im not myself. but who is 'myself' anyway?

flashbacks and throwbacks

im infatuated. i am.
its scary.
you scare me. in the best way possible.
in such a good way i want more.

im so lost.
im out of control, im throwing around desires and infatuations like its my job.
i can count on my two hands, and it should be down to one.
this isnt okay.

but i am just who i am.
we all know that and expect it.

right?

i feel alive.
i feel so at home.
i feel so happy, like this is what ive been waiting for my entire life.
in cars and laughter and windows down, music.
nostalgic for these times.
ice cream on cold nights, banter, surrounded by friends.
texting to make plans for the next night.
too many ideas, too little time.

this is what i want.

love.

we are love. we are everything you want. we represent good times and indredible laughter. we are silly, fun, kind, and just girls.

last night was so much fun. i love new friends, not acquantinces, but friends. relationships that exist outside boundaries and dont stay inside the lines. friendships that allow you to relay your emotions in one of the best environments. allow you to let go and express and exist. relationships that parallel that at home and hint promises of lasting good times.

i love you all much, and i envy a few of you to no extent. you may know who you are, you may not. but i feel myself when i am with you and months of knowing each other doesn't mean anything.

ps maybe i love you? haha... oh geez

i make plans to break plans and i've been planning something big

i feel young.
i feel so frustrated.
i didnt know i had this inside of me until i opened it up.
and now i cant stop.

he wont let me grow. he wont let me adapt.
i know you love me, i know you care. i care a lot too, i know all of this.
but let me go!
let me live. let me experience. you know how you were when you were young. let this be the same for me.
i need to learn, i wont get hurt. i will be okay. im strong. you dont know this, because i dont think you see it.
you look at me and see five years old.
i look in the mirror and see nineteen.
how do we differ? we are so different and so much alike.
i understand where you are coming from, but i need to live! i need to not be smothered!
i cant tell if you are holding me to my dreams, my five year old self, or just not open to me growing and adapting.
i have new passions, i have a new way of life.
i need to discover them all!
i feel like you take it personally; is this what you wanted for me so now you are wanting it more than i?
i had to convince you for this too, now you are just so stuck in it you wont let it go.
i need to be free of this.
this is causing pain unlike anything i should be feeling.
i need to live my life without being afraid of you.
i am.. im afraid.

and i cant talk. i cant let it go because im so scared of hurting you.
but in realiity im hurting myself.

and im blowing this up.

im done.

from the road

new friends, old songs and a sense of adventure & laughter go a long way along the lines of memorable moments

cross my heart and hope to die these dreams of yours are gonna fly

this is where i am supposed to be.
this is where i am.
i come, and everything falls into place.
dreams i never expected to come alive, but rather sit dormant in my heart and in my head are dripping with life and making me happy to be alive.
hanging out with tour managers.
seeing something corporate 'in concert'
riding racehorses.

this is what i want to do. this is who i am. this is who i am becoming.
my dreams are not only dreams, they are becoming realities.
i am becoming the person i want to be.
things are falling into place.

on top of a horse, galloping over a hill, i couldnt help but smile.
crouched low over the back and neck, hands meshed with mane and reins, perched neatly on top of a moving animal, feeling the power course through its body into you, the smells of sweat and heat and fall mixed with summer, every noise drowned from your head except that of the wind whistling by, and hoofbeats resonating throughout every inch of you.
my dream. this has been my dream.
for years, for months, for near eternity.
since i was in second grade.
to ride atop a racehorse and feel all those feelings. to feel every second as if it was life's most crucial decision.
and i wasnt even on a track.
i wasnt even on an impressive animal.
i wasnt even going that fast.

but it did it. it made the cut.
it fulfilled my life dream.

i am content.
i am happy.

i am alive.

secret love and the fastest way to loneliness

there is always that moment before lips touch lips when every emotion is hung in suspension.
when you realize you are wanted.
that instant relays so much more than could ever have been expected.
the desire.
rough desire.
between two people.
or maybe its holding the promise of a future and dedication of two in love.
a signal to those who look on that there is committment.
perhaps it is the last exchange between two, with the dread of farewell lurking on the fringes of present time.
or its the sign of putting past arguments behind and moving on in a relationship.
theres so much meaning in that moment of seconds.
where time can slow down or speed up
where you feel.

i want to exist in that time.
i want to know that i am hung in a frame of a matter of seconds, which means nothing to the infinity of stretch of time that exists in this world, but means everything at that moment.
in that time where my mind has stopped and can not get past.
where my senses were slowed, reaction times were grown, and yet my mind is fixated on that one moment that meant nothing.
yet these words, they were born from it.
they were created and strung together in that instant.

it all made sense.

guess what? im done writing you songs

you push me away.
i somewhat cant take it. i cant handle the constant caring and the constant worrying, i cant escape it and it kills me to know we have fallen apart.
i cant handle the trying to force you to talk. i want it to be easy as it was years ago, i want to live in the dreams we've held for eachother. not in the way we built them up, not with the meaning and emotion that made them so worthwhile, but in the way that i long for you to care, for you to notice me. i want you to notice me.
much of who i am today is based on our interactions years ago. years ago. where has the time gone?
but honestly, would it kill you? would it kill you to care?
i can name three people i hardly know that will give me more than the time of the day.. and you barely give me that. i feel like im forcing you to share your deepest secrets against your will, but really im just asking how you are. whats going on in your life. i miss knowing you. when did we fall so deeply apart and when will this end?
do you know how much you kill me? do you know that this pain that has lied dormant for so long only rises up wen we try to talk again.

the tiniest notions of what you are doing and what you feel make me melt, make me long for days that are long past, and that we've both come to terms with. i dont want this anymore, i just long for the feeling of it.
you are very engrained into who i am, and its beyond borders of what we were. no one understand that, not even you.

just open up to me and remember who you are talking to. dont you remember? dont you remember?


im very very tired of being forced into feeling like i must continue this unhealthy relationship.
i cant handle being the one who iniates all conversations, and then being completely let down when all i get in return to my exuberant remarks is one word answers that are completely void of any lick of emotion.
and its not that i care for him in that way anymore, i just allowed him to be so integrated into who i am and allowed him to change me in ways that i truely love, and still do, and dont regret, that i cant let him go in any sense of the word, not so much in love, but in friendship.
and i dont get any of it. i dont get anything in return for how hard i try to be there for him, and how hard i try to start conversation, and make this friendship work. and i cant let it go.
i just cant get out of it. and it kills me. i just want the time of day from him. proof that he somewhat cares about this relationship. and its so up and down, so damn predictable, that it hurts me even more. i can expect what will happen, its happened in such a predictable cycle over the past three years, and i cant break the monotony. and i cant handle it
theres times when he cares and talks to me, and we talk, and he calls, and then we go to me calling and never getting a call back, one message after another, one IM after another, and i cant do it anymore. i cant start conversations with no one replying and i cant let it go either
i cant say this to him, because he just wont care, he wont change, and if he does change, it will be for a week, and then im back to where i was. but i cant let go, i cant get out of it!

i just need to escape. this is why i hide behind meanings in songs that barely relate, and relate exactly. that seem like they dont fit, but i cant explain just how they speak volumes to me, how they echo my inner thoughts exactly, how they mirror what i feel in those moments before i fall asleep and my thoughts are nothing but truth.
this is why i hide behind words that are written in ways to obscure even my most direct thoughts, in ways to release how i feel and to make myself feel better. in hope that maybe one day he will stumble across this and rather than get angry, but realize how i feel. because heaven knows ive tried to make myself be known to no prevail yet. ive failed in every area possible with him, i havent gotten through yet.
i hide behind words, even though i live in fear that one day he will read this, he will find out how i feel.

i lay myself exposed everyday in hopes someone will read these words and not feel resentment towards me, but stumble across and find the meanings i lay so deeply in these words, in these constructed sentences.

i long for a time that once was, not in the way it would seem, but in the way of the definity of the moment, of knowing who i was and what was to come.
of knowing there was someone to understand.

for coley

maybe i havent explained myself, maybe i havent been with in touch with myself as i should be.
do i focus on my misgivings and don't accentuate my good sides, the things that make me who i am?

i love my life. i honestly do. im plagued with worry and confusion about my future, but the present is totally making everything worthwhile.
i go to shows. often. not as often as i'd like, but i go often, and they always work out. hanging out with tour managers and hitting on merch guys and making connections. i make connections. i can get where i need to be, with only a little bit of convincing. and i can, i can win. i can do this. my life is right there and i can reach it and i can do it.

i love my family. i couldnt be more blessed with who i have been born into. my mom is my best friend. my dad is a strong guidance in my life. my brothers keep me grounded and allow me to laugh at life. i couldnt ask for anything better. it blows me away how close i am with my family, with those who have the ability to make or break my mood, my life, my dreams, who i am. they influence me so greatly, and i allow it. because i love how they influence me.

my friends. how do i even start? i can't even begin to describe what i feel for those four girls who await my arrival at home; those other friends at home who keep me entertained and grounded and i would do anything for. i would, i would do anything for you. new friends and old friends and just everyone who has a piece of my heart. you know who you are, and if you doubt it, you should just talk to me more and you will know. my friends in kentucky.. one month and already im blown away by how much fun we can have and laughter shared and memories created. hours sitting in rooms with nothing to do but to know eachother and exist. and laugh and complain and learn and everything and nothing. its incredible, and i appreciate you all so incredibly much. and then those very from newjersey who still are a part of my life, distance set aside. you know who i am talking about, and you are honestly wholey and hugely integrated into my life, and we can never fall apart. you have been there for me through the darkest and most terrible part of my life (honestly) and still we remain.

i love you all, all of you.

you mean everything to me.

(better?)

i just typed so much of everything i wanted to say and be told, but it was deleted and now i cant be bothered to type it all up again.

confusions got a hold of me, and now i don't know what to do. so many past events are being brought up and now i dont know what to do, how to handle myself.
past dreams i thought were laid to rest are brought up with the intense passion they started with. they originated from. this inward battle isn't over, as i thought it was. i dont know how to live for it, but i do know how to live with my newest dreams. how do i deal with this, how do i accomplish both? do i need the experience like i think i do? do i need to live for it like i think i did?

being in the library makes me feel something im not used to. being in frat houses makes me feel a part of something im not. im not that, im not who you think i am. im two people in one, and its starting to get ahold of me.

i just want to be known, to be read. putting it out there isn't enough, i need peole to resonate with my emotions and thoughts, i need people to discuss how i feel and how i look at the world i need people to read this and want to be with me, my mind needs to get the best of someone until they are all i have.

seeing people love someone else makes me feel happy, as if i am loved myself. i am not. i want someone to love me the way other people love.
i have such a capacity for this, and no one understands.