i'm giving you my heart to break

wine, sometimes, make things clearly. allows the brain to forget about barriers and walls. it makes things a little less refined, a little more casual.

i think i needed it. i needed a moment to let it all down and out and without holding back. to really experience fully what has been living in the back of my mind without the attachment of emotions, anxiety, disappointment, fear.

i fell. hard. really hard. it may have been totally irresponsible on my fault. i probably shouldn't have let it happen. but i've had my guard up for the past few years. i'm used to being a time bomb.. a ticking clock. it felt good to let that part of me go for awhile. i didn't realize it would reach this point and threaten to blow up in my face.

but the thing is, i have this incredible desire to move away. to prove myself over and over and over. i can't do that here. i don't WANT to do that here. i want to be away. to be on a coast. to be in a city. to be where i'm comfortable, and challenged, and carefree, and on my guard. there's that one city that has my heart in its grasp and won't let go. but i know its not love. i know its not lifelong. i just want that city for awhile. for a season.

but i want him for longer.

i don't see them on the same plane. i don't see them as because i want one, i can't have the other. or rather, because i want one, means i care about the other less.

because i'd give anything for him.

i'm just constantly in a state of desire. desire to move, to leave, to live up to my potential. i feel as if i'm not allowed to live up to my full potential here in kentucky. i love it here. so much. don't get me wrong. this is the best place i've ever lived.

but i still want los angeles for awhile. it was a short season in my life, and i want it again but longer. not much longer, but i do want it for more than eight months. after that, after i know what i CAN be and gain priceless experience, i'll live anywhere. anywhere.