ashes just fall to the ground

i allow myself to be like this. four minutes of repitition and words can make my heart break. bring me back years ago. grey carpet, shorts, tshirt. i remember it like the moon remembers the night sky. tears falling everywhere, small puddles and no one to wipe them.

i had no idea i would be nearly where i was again. i hadnt any clue. this is more than just nostalgia, this is history repeating itself.

but its so much better.

im taking such a huge chance and at the same time only leaping off the low dive. cross my heart and hope to die these dreams of yours are gonna fly

this could be everything i asked for. three years later and its the same calling. the same name. i asked for it. is this your answer? oh, im so lost.

this is nothing like you could ever have said. these tears that are falling aren't because im broken. they are because im remembering. things are falling into place and my mind is being blown. ive turned my back on you for such a long time and now im seeing signs in places they shouldn't be. this keyboard is all that is keeping me grounded right now, in so many more ways than one.

every word doesnt get dull. with every word comes life. i am learning to fall again. dreams and wishes are taking flight, are taking place. im not backing down.

this isnt how this was supposed to end up. the right words arent coming, but at the same time they are everything i want to say. i have no idea what goes on my heart, i only know what goes on through my fingers. they take command on their own. giggles are laughter are so foreign to me, it seems right to speak in them.

ive never felt so beautiful as i do right now, in a state of awkwardness, of ugliness, of acceptance and unknowingness.

these words arent what i feel. this isnt how i am. this isnt me at all.
but it is. every passing letter, every click with my fingers is building me up more and more. im ashamed to hit publish.

im so broken, and so whole.