i'm a little nervous i'm not going to become whom i'm supposed to be, all that i can be.

i have so much potential, and i know this. i recognize it. i push myself DAILY because i know i can get somewhere, and i will. but it scares me to think about not even really fulfilling that potential. what if i'm just a little under 100% of what i could be? what if i never fully get there? i'm a little concerned i won't make it. i'm a little concerned i'll fall apart if i get to 98% and just plateau.

i'm not sure i could handle it. i'm not sure i could handle the disappointment of getting so close, yet still being ages away, and not being able to fully reach it.

i'm a little scared of who i am NOT. its not a good thing to be scared of.

you're not as original as you think.

in fact, sometimes you make me want to vomit.

and i know that i won't be let down like i have before

perfect words right now. resonating in all the right places.

i just feel forgotten. "we're someone's substitutes"

when will i be more? its been four years now. someone's gotta give a shit sooner or later.

there's nothing i can do anymore. i think i'm way past trying to fix anything. it just can't be fixed, its more of a matter of life. it makes me really sad. really terribly sad. i feel like i'm not a part of your life unless conveniently i am there. which is never. i'm never there. because you are never here. and when you are, you're thinking of ways to go somewhere else. i don't know if you realize that, but thats the impression you give me.

i don't want to say anything, because it will just make things awkward. and its too late in life for it to be fixed.

i'm just hurt. and i need to get over it. because i'm on the back burner and i've been there for years. i just wish you would notice it.

chase this light

i wanted so bad for you to take my breath away.

a few months ago, i knew i would feel this way. months and days later, and i had no idea you still had this effect on me. i know it seems easy for me to say these words, and i toss around that phrase lightly sometimes, but there are few to whom i actually mean it. and with you, i do.

i know where your heart stands in line with that. but i have no idea where it stands in reference to me. i think that's what makes it all the more while. i want your attention, and i want it badly. with you, words come easy. glances can be held. you make me comfortable and so uncomfortable all in the same sentence. and you have no idea.

there's so much i want to say to you, but none of it appropriate for the occasion. i'll hold my tongue months longer. anything less would be unexpected and out of line.

i wish so bad you would just take my hand. i would know, i would know.

a little death makes life more meaningful

i'm enthralled. this one world i once known is finally becoming one i embrace. i'm moving past it, the hatred, i'm letting it go.

its put me somewhere better. its easy to see the hand of reason and love when you're looking over your shoulder. and i can't thank you enough.

a part of my old world is coming crashing into my present life. and she's bringing laughter, smiles, and memories of a time of death, yet life. i'm focusing on the life.

i am so happy with myself sometimes. i handle myself in way that makes me head jealous. i can flatter myself in the best way possible. synonomous with the way i can tear myself apart. its okay. its okay. i will get past it.

this is the last thing i should be doing, but i needed to take some time to just be happy. to invest in myself. i feel so alive.

i'm in the last room on the planet you'd expect, and all this inspiration is dripping from the ceiling. my fingers are channeling it through the airwaves.

you close your eyes and see me

i read words from the past today. i was strangely unhappy, and looked at it from a different perspective. i'm sorry i was like that. i am sorry you had to deal with me in that time. know that now i appreciate you a lot, and i realize what we had wasn't anything. but who isn't to say what could happen in a year?

who is to say what could happen next week?

in two days, my life is going to be complete.

they've got us pinned terribly

i feel like such a disappointment.

i am tired of trying to live for myself and only getting met with disapproval and a strong and stubborn refusal to let go.

let me go. let me free. this struggle isn't anything i imagined. i feel like a prisoner in my own life. and it's of my own doing because i care too much.

you are crippling my future.

i am not independant as i like to think i am. and i'm terribly addictive. i hold on too strongly.

these are my faults.

i'm alone in this

i go back and forth between emotions. exaltation and despair. i'm tired of not knowing how to feel when i wake up. this roller coaster is nothing i asked for and nothing i want to be a part of. forget it, its not worth it.

i just want this to be a phase more than anything. but even it if it is a phase, there's going to be something left over. you know better than anyone how i value trust. and how willingly i give it out and accept it. i've been hurt but that doesn't stop me from trying. and i feel used and recycled. i'm replaceable. thats the worst feeling to feel when you go to bed at night.

i hate being alone. and that's all i've been feeling. i need time to think, and i can't. i can't have a second to be okay. i can't have a minute with just you. its everyone or its me. and i chose myself.

i hate sounding selfish, but its my turn. when was the last time you thought about how i might feel? all of you? you never do. its always you and your busy schedules. no time for anything.

you don't even know what that word entails.

see you later.

on the other hand..

i've never been happier.

i am insignificant.

i am insignificant.

guess what? i'm done.

i'm through with it all.
i am tired of being hurt. i need to externalize. i don't internalize enough. and it gets me in trouble.
i'm sick of things being said about me that aren't true. i observe and i need to share. this is nothing. say whatever you want about me, and i could care less. i guess that's what makes me different.

i don't need the approval or diapproval of others to know how i feel. and i feel confident in knowing that i can be wrong, that i can be right. that i can fail and succeed. in fact, i'm failing now. but i'm making it.

i am tired of letting other people talk me into a corner. i am sick of over trusting. its impossible for me to not trust. i am sick of being betrayed. a move for an improvement in my health is making my head ache and go crazy. my heart hurt and fear the worst. i don't want to stay here.