come on, get higher

there's something about coffee that leaves me with the aftertaste of regret.
i've come across the fact i'm not as prepared to grow up as i thought i was. this summer was unlike anything i expected, not totally for the better. i wear myself out with expectations and the urgency and drive to meet them, only to find myself far flung and exhausted with keeping up. it's not that i'm let down, it's just that i'm mildly disappointed.

i wanted to be swept off me feet. not for keeps, just for a season. i wanted carefree when i wasn't busy making my dreams come true, and instead i got hot and alone. time slipped through my fingers as quickly as the sand of the beaches i walk on, and i'm finding myself without the ocean crashing against my shins. i'm caught off guard. where did it all go? i miss laughing, i miss volleyball, i miss reading by candlelight, i miss bonfires and wine. there isn't enough time for everything, and miles separate us enough to make it not possible.

i live inside music that makes me nostalgic for times that never even existed. i have a vision in my head that never plays out quite how i want it.

this isn't going to end the way it always does. i won't be overcome. sometimes you get pulled in a different direction, and its not necessarily bad. it's just different. i'm learning this, i'm moving on.

even though i've been feeling like my hour glass has been running out since august, i'll be okay with it. i'm learning to live in the moment and to embrace it all. i have the strongest support system anyone could ask for, and i'm secure in myself. i know who i am, and that's more than a lot of people can say.

i'll be back. i'll have plenty of nights spent on the sand listening to crashing waves to fall in love. it didn't pan out how i wanted this time, but there's someone looking out for me, and i'll find it all soon enough.

i'm liberated.

talk to me now, why do you run from me?

my heart isn't in this.

stay out of your head.

so many things i want to say and i can't say. i'm just existing for right now.

i've never been more at peace not knowing where i'll be this time in two months.

we're kept together by highways and telephone lines

i want so bad to tell you how i feel, but i'm trying so hard to keep this about you. its what i needed, and its what you need now, i'm sure of it. i need some sort of escape, though. i only hope you don't see this until weeks down the road. months, maybe.

i didn't want this to mean as much as it does. and it's not like it its the be all and end all, but it makes me so sad to know things how i knew it will be changed. it didn't feel real for a while.. i was eased into it, as were you. but counting down days to when you hit the road is making it more and more real to me. maybe i'm just delayed, i'm sure i'd be feeling it more had i been there. but since i'm miles away and there's only so much i can feel at once, i'm behind. and now i'm reeling trying to keep up.

you've been on my mind so often for the past few days, its killing me to think it will be a while until i see you again. i had my heart set on april, but i don't want to be a hindrance on you at all. i just want you to be happy, and i don't want to jeopardize that in any way. i'm a selfish person, but when it comes to you, i've never been more level headed or understanding. this is as easy as it should be, and i hope upon hope you can say the same.

my mind is everywhere right now. i can't seem to keep a straight thought for the life of me. its been this way for months and months.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i don't know how this will turn out. but whichever way it does, i want you to know i have your best interest in mind. i'm okay with anything, though i'd prefer to be back a few months. my heart misses you, and i have a feeling things are going to get worse. on the plus side, this place has prepared me, as with the past 4 years of my life, to sit in a car with more patience than i've ever had. that could work, right?

this city's killing me

i have yellowcard's 'back home' stuck in my head. with every step i take, everytime i start to slip, everytime i make a mistake, it comes forefront in my mind. its driving me crazy, and its making me worried. i feel as if i'm losing everything i wanted so quickly. i thought this place would make me, but its going to break me.

and i can't tell if its just me in a new place, or if its actually this place.

do i do this all the time? do i do this everytime i'm somewhere new? fight hard for something, but only feel as if i'm half-assing it? i could do better. i could succeed. but i'm not putting forth my full effort. or am i?

i had so much going for me back in kentucky. why did i leave it? why was i so eager to get out? i'm so upset with myself for jumping the gun. i could have held off one more semester. i would have been okay. i just didn't know it yet, i wasn't sure. i'm regretting that more and more.

i'm so bottled up inside, when i finally let things out, i break down. i'm not fully getting everything out. i need to. its going to be a breakdown soon, with all this stress, with all these decisions, with so much out of my hands i can't control.

i hate regretting things, and this one, so far, is turning into my biggest one. the timing was off. the timing was terrible. i gave up so much for this place and its not giving anything for me. not yet.

i just need once ounce of clarity and i'll be okay. i just need something to give, and i'll be fine. but its as rigid as brick--push too much and it will crack. it will crumble. it will fall to shambles.

i don't want to fall to shambles.

there's a hole where something was

i've fallen out of writing. i've lost touch with the way words came easily, the way i could make my feelings turn from emotion into threads of thought and word, entangled together.

when i look back, i miss the ease of hiding what i felt so strongly, even to myself. i look back, and don't even know exactly what i was experiencing. it's amazing the way i can't remember something that could make me write poison.

blah. i lost my train of thought. i feel too distracted these days to ever really finish anything. journals, books, conversations. everything seems too long to start. too complicated to get involved in.

oh well. goodnight.

im not sure where to go with this, what my next step should be. i need to take my own advice and get out of my head, but when i do that, i tend to let things slip. hence, the five years since. since...

what if it doesnt mean a lot to me now, but in the end it could have, and i let it slip by. what if this becomees reoccuring. what if i never fall again. im abnormal. i need this only to assure myself im okay, im not crazy, i am not broken enough to not let anyone in. cause really, thats one of my biggest fears right now.

oh, what to do.

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i'm a little nervous i'm not going to become whom i'm supposed to be, all that i can be.

i have so much potential, and i know this. i recognize it. i push myself DAILY because i know i can get somewhere, and i will. but it scares me to think about not even really fulfilling that potential. what if i'm just a little under 100% of what i could be? what if i never fully get there? i'm a little concerned i won't make it. i'm a little concerned i'll fall apart if i get to 98% and just plateau.

i'm not sure i could handle it. i'm not sure i could handle the disappointment of getting so close, yet still being ages away, and not being able to fully reach it.

i'm a little scared of who i am NOT. its not a good thing to be scared of.

you're not as original as you think.

in fact, sometimes you make me want to vomit.

and i know that i won't be let down like i have before

perfect words right now. resonating in all the right places.

i just feel forgotten. "we're someone's substitutes"

when will i be more? its been four years now. someone's gotta give a shit sooner or later.

there's nothing i can do anymore. i think i'm way past trying to fix anything. it just can't be fixed, its more of a matter of life. it makes me really sad. really terribly sad. i feel like i'm not a part of your life unless conveniently i am there. which is never. i'm never there. because you are never here. and when you are, you're thinking of ways to go somewhere else. i don't know if you realize that, but thats the impression you give me.

i don't want to say anything, because it will just make things awkward. and its too late in life for it to be fixed.

i'm just hurt. and i need to get over it. because i'm on the back burner and i've been there for years. i just wish you would notice it.