swear im clinical

i might dedicate myself to a cheshire lifestyle. manical. enthusiastic.
fake.

painfully buzzed and the outcast. toast to the third wheel syndrome. eyes closed to the tears and fingers going at the rate of my thoughts. typing on phones to pretend to fit in. faked laughter and forced smiles. this is how i deal with people i dont care about, not the people i care worlds and oceans about.
just down another and embrace liquid friendship. this is all expected.
its nothing like i expected. i have painted a picture perfect situation over the past four years and two weeks of imperfection, four months of pure struggle, and one week of familiar bliss is (hopefully not) enough to destroy a strong bond between five entities.
we've been alone for only four months and in that time developed and not completely included the others. some more so than others.
i blame it on the medicene, but it could possibly be symbolic of getting rid of friendships, of stress, of taking in too much. why must one take on all the problems and responsibilies that aren't hers? is this just a fluke.. shall we give it another few months and see how things go?

[untitled]

i'm a very broken individual.
im done with fringes and hidden messages to make how i feel seem better.
to make it seem that if its disguised in pretty prose, at least something good came out of it.
im writing for myself, im not writing for anyone else.
i dont care if there is someone reading this, and i dont care if no one does.

i am exhausted with coming home. i am exhausted with jolts in reality from happiness to brokenness. from something semi complete to something shattered and torn at the seams. and there is nothing i can do about it. there is nothing i can say to fix anything, to gloss over broken edges and to fix things that were once beautiful. i cant handle it, i cant handle it as a person or in the state or how i am.
i am tired of no support and half support and the line between laughter and disappointment being so thin its barely there. i cant keep projecting everything on myself and i cant keep ignoring the issue and pretending everything is okay.
i want to get so far away from here that i go back in time to a better place, to a better instance.
to when it was okay to say what i wanted to do and i didnt have to worry about freedom or desire. i am so tired of dealing with 'okay's and 'no way's. i cant handle this anymore and theres nothing left for me to do but to handle it.
im breaking, im breaking so far down and im blaming everything on myself.
i cant do it. i cant deal with it. i cant keep doing this.
i am SO frustrated with everyone turning a cold shoulder to one another and overlooking cracked feelings. hurt is plain in sight and yet there is nothing for anyone to feel.
i long to spill this to someone who will care, who will give a fuck.
and i cant even find anyone to do such a thing. im so sick of turning to the same people, and im so tired of projecting myself onto people who dont care.
i cant handle it. i need advice, i need out. i need a fix.
more than anything, i need this fixed.

oh but dont worry. just keep it on the inside.
you arent allowed to feel alive, anyway.

do you ever think thats why i live for such recklessness and unpredicability. for something thats spontaneous and new everyday?
do you ever think that could be it?
if you dont try to fix this, im gone for good.
im not even remotely kidding.
i can do this. i can support myself.

i wont be coming back.

its been a bad day

he screams for help but no ones hears; his words fall not on ears but on skin. there isnt a single physical thing sharp enough to break the surface, not paperclips, not pencils, not razors. only words and pain far beyond anything he can understand. and the fastness of being alone. it takes his breath away--to be standing in the corner watcing the people around him laughing. he is hit with the overwhelming pain of aloneness, of nothingness, of lonliness in a crowd. his knees buckle and he collapses sideways into a chair, the shot glances blaming it on the alcohol and pur him another glass. its the feeling of desparation; give me anything for tonight. i can make it through alive. take my mind away from here. recklessness to keep myself from screaming.

i am gone. i have passed the state of normality and entered into a ward.
break free.

its never the same the next day. only worst or better. its echoes of last year, but they arent disappearing. im at the other end of the tunnel, hearing my voice come back louder. so surreal, so unknown.

fate fell short this time

discontentment is more than a phrase; it can be a way of life.
i hate being alone and i hate being discluded and you do such a good job of making sure i am
is it fair? is it?
to leave me out? everyone else knows. stolen glances and secret laughs gives way to the truth.
something this little shouldn't matter. my mind is a magnifying glass.
everything is blown out of proportion.
i'm the sound of overdramatics and heartattacks.
im what you don't hear in the day that makes itsself louder in the night.
louder now.

so are those smiles fake? you're eyes tell otherwise.
best friends means.. best friends means..

i dont even know anymore.
loud music and long breaks couldn't come at a more perfect time.
forget this.

im so oblivious to the truth; to the real world.
have i always been so naive?
i'm done.
im done with it all.

everything in transit

rain is in constant motion. it never stops; and the sun is out.
pianos flood the air and destruction is a reality of the world. lets make entertainment for ourselves watching buildings crash to the ground. shattered glass reflects shattered light, shattered dreams.
its so cliche, but im over it.
romantic isnt the way to go when the words are meant to raise emotions they shouldnt.
the words wont come right now.
later, later.

im not going to look back

i live in the past. so much. sometimes it hurts; sometimes it strengthens.
i need to move on, i need to let go. i need to get on with my life and let it represent memories rather than lust for that which cant.
being home, surrounded by those whom i would die for, allows realizations to slip through my head with the ease of swan to water.
so simple. so beautiful. it represents glory, beauty, grace.
im none of that. i am nothing of the sorts.
this isnt me tearing myself apart, this is me building myself up. its better to realize and change rather than be naive to flaws you can fix. you have control over.
sometimes typing is like therapy. sometimes its something i dread.
the ease in which i type can be poison. it can deaden. it can get me into trouble.
ive been sentenced to a lifetime of confusion.
only you can save me, and im so reluctant. it boggles my mind.
and that brings me back, right back to where i started.

its my roots, my longing, where i belong. this is my place, i cant run from it, but i find it so hard to embrace. so easy to move on. so hard to let go. not to look back.
all i do is look back, who am i kidding?

i rewrite conversations over and over in my head until im so upset with a life defining experience that it doesnt define anymore, rather, its forgotten.
im five steps behind and so jaded.
just build relationships and ask again on at a later time.
get your work done and stop complaining!

im going. im going.
im going out with style.

i dare you to make sense of it all.

if you could only see the way

its a need to be harsh, bitter, and ugly.
you say youre down to earth, but no one who was truely the phrase would ever. you are so full of words and hot air that it astounds me. you frustrate me, you annoy me, you have me suffering inner battles for what i feel inside, and not in the way you would think. i want to hurt you, my words to be sharp and cut through your ego until there is nothing left.
still i hang onto your words and recite them over in my mind, dreading the day i may forget them and slip.
i long to speak to you, i struggle to be like you, my thoughts are rampant with ways to become like you.
i want to be you.
or very similar.
i want to be where you are.

maybe we can talk this over

there is something not right.
there really isnt.
if everything was truely okay, i wouldnt be feeling like this.
continually let down by non existant things; tired of living (not that i want the alternate, just tired of living); bored to the point of sleeping; constant need to be in my bed; not wanting to do a single thing..
i've been here before.
i just want to be home!
tears are so easy to jump to my eyes. for happy, for sad, for everything.
it started with the one thing that makes me happy.
its so jaded.
i dont even know what im talking about.
this isnt me writing, is it? because when did the words become to blunt and when did i lose my way?
i cant handle this anymore.

sorry for the lack of update, you can see why i havent.

who i am hates who i've been

its funny how these words are so jaded at times and so full of life at others.
how i depended so much on words to get my voice across until i learned to stand up and voice it out myself.
funny how problems melt away simply by taking one and a half.
and its funny how the same problems still stay even when the medication promises to take them away.

its laughter that has saved my life. laughter and large crowds and eyes running with tears and giggles and cuddling. under sheets and on blankets and thrown balls and playful fights and old school games with black wires and simple graphics.
its the run on sentences in here that allow me to break free of the rules out there. make me feel alive, make me get my point across.
let me know theres someone out there reading this, not that it matters in the slightest. i do it for me, this is all for me.
its a way of life; ill look back years from now and roll my eyes to the man by my side. 'oh, look at how silly i used to be'
to my kids, when they are curious about growing up 'its not all its cracked up to be'
to my daughter when she struggles to find her way in the world 'i was once there'

what on earth am i rambling about now? broken words arent who i am. i want to live in the pixels and live in the graphite and live in the ink. i want to breathe life into the words and have them mean more than fast fingers and a skill well practiced.
oh, and they do. they represent life, a struggle, an issue, friends, feelings, emotions, breakdowns, breakups, tears, fears, joy, laughter, experiencing myself and others. a new life. a new way. a new me.

oh, i've found my way. im set, im back. im back.
for how long?
hopefully a few days. more than a week. about a month. turn that into a year.
i want to be free of who i was.

ignoring sound advice and any thought of consequence

my nose has a puncture wound.
but only because i wanted it to be there.

a step into freedom, into adulthood. who knew a tiny fake diamond could mean more that meets the eye? its a signal of my rebellion, my ability to make my own choices, to live to the consequences. throw my hands up and devil take the hindmost. its my life, its my body, its my choices. i have to make my own. i cant rely on you forever, i cant live up to your expectations forever. as much as i wish i could.

my future is blurred, my hopes are high, my expectations high and low. my past is definate and can't be changed. small insignificant sentences drawn from conversations in kitchens and sunlight to whispered words with held hands are brought to mind more and more each day. oh, how easily you can forget. oh, how easy it is for you to not turn around, to see my mouth trembling with words desiring to burst forth, to tell you how things are, to tell you how things could be, how much i might miss you, how much i desire for the ease we used to converse with. its not that i long for the past, its that i long for a future with you in it. not in the spotlight, but not far from it. for support and friendship and ease during the winter months, sitting on the couch with snow falling outside the comfort of a house. movies and music and words passed between us with the casualty it used to be. we have grown so much, so much more to discuss, so little time, so little effort, so little...
we have grown, but grown so apart. at night, right before i close my eyes, take comfort in the fact you still cross my mind, in words whispered to a higher being for your protection, your success, your happiness.
that road once travelled has taken a turn. the turn im willing to follow. but we arent on it anymore, we are so lost. so lost.
i understand. we are oh so different. but please, just realize we are still the same. arent we?
arent we?

"and it feels like we could last forever"