who i am hates who i've been

its funny how these words are so jaded at times and so full of life at others.
how i depended so much on words to get my voice across until i learned to stand up and voice it out myself.
funny how problems melt away simply by taking one and a half.
and its funny how the same problems still stay even when the medication promises to take them away.

its laughter that has saved my life. laughter and large crowds and eyes running with tears and giggles and cuddling. under sheets and on blankets and thrown balls and playful fights and old school games with black wires and simple graphics.
its the run on sentences in here that allow me to break free of the rules out there. make me feel alive, make me get my point across.
let me know theres someone out there reading this, not that it matters in the slightest. i do it for me, this is all for me.
its a way of life; ill look back years from now and roll my eyes to the man by my side. 'oh, look at how silly i used to be'
to my kids, when they are curious about growing up 'its not all its cracked up to be'
to my daughter when she struggles to find her way in the world 'i was once there'

what on earth am i rambling about now? broken words arent who i am. i want to live in the pixels and live in the graphite and live in the ink. i want to breathe life into the words and have them mean more than fast fingers and a skill well practiced.
oh, and they do. they represent life, a struggle, an issue, friends, feelings, emotions, breakdowns, breakups, tears, fears, joy, laughter, experiencing myself and others. a new life. a new way. a new me.

oh, i've found my way. im set, im back. im back.
for how long?
hopefully a few days. more than a week. about a month. turn that into a year.
i want to be free of who i was.