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i'm a very broken individual.
im done with fringes and hidden messages to make how i feel seem better.
to make it seem that if its disguised in pretty prose, at least something good came out of it.
im writing for myself, im not writing for anyone else.
i dont care if there is someone reading this, and i dont care if no one does.

i am exhausted with coming home. i am exhausted with jolts in reality from happiness to brokenness. from something semi complete to something shattered and torn at the seams. and there is nothing i can do about it. there is nothing i can say to fix anything, to gloss over broken edges and to fix things that were once beautiful. i cant handle it, i cant handle it as a person or in the state or how i am.
i am tired of no support and half support and the line between laughter and disappointment being so thin its barely there. i cant keep projecting everything on myself and i cant keep ignoring the issue and pretending everything is okay.
i want to get so far away from here that i go back in time to a better place, to a better instance.
to when it was okay to say what i wanted to do and i didnt have to worry about freedom or desire. i am so tired of dealing with 'okay's and 'no way's. i cant handle this anymore and theres nothing left for me to do but to handle it.
im breaking, im breaking so far down and im blaming everything on myself.
i cant do it. i cant deal with it. i cant keep doing this.
i am SO frustrated with everyone turning a cold shoulder to one another and overlooking cracked feelings. hurt is plain in sight and yet there is nothing for anyone to feel.
i long to spill this to someone who will care, who will give a fuck.
and i cant even find anyone to do such a thing. im so sick of turning to the same people, and im so tired of projecting myself onto people who dont care.
i cant handle it. i need advice, i need out. i need a fix.
more than anything, i need this fixed.

oh but dont worry. just keep it on the inside.
you arent allowed to feel alive, anyway.

do you ever think thats why i live for such recklessness and unpredicability. for something thats spontaneous and new everyday?
do you ever think that could be it?
if you dont try to fix this, im gone for good.
im not even remotely kidding.
i can do this. i can support myself.

i wont be coming back.