im not going to look back

i live in the past. so much. sometimes it hurts; sometimes it strengthens.
i need to move on, i need to let go. i need to get on with my life and let it represent memories rather than lust for that which cant.
being home, surrounded by those whom i would die for, allows realizations to slip through my head with the ease of swan to water.
so simple. so beautiful. it represents glory, beauty, grace.
im none of that. i am nothing of the sorts.
this isnt me tearing myself apart, this is me building myself up. its better to realize and change rather than be naive to flaws you can fix. you have control over.
sometimes typing is like therapy. sometimes its something i dread.
the ease in which i type can be poison. it can deaden. it can get me into trouble.
ive been sentenced to a lifetime of confusion.
only you can save me, and im so reluctant. it boggles my mind.
and that brings me back, right back to where i started.

its my roots, my longing, where i belong. this is my place, i cant run from it, but i find it so hard to embrace. so easy to move on. so hard to let go. not to look back.
all i do is look back, who am i kidding?

i rewrite conversations over and over in my head until im so upset with a life defining experience that it doesnt define anymore, rather, its forgotten.
im five steps behind and so jaded.
just build relationships and ask again on at a later time.
get your work done and stop complaining!

im going. im going.
im going out with style.

i dare you to make sense of it all.