I have been forgetting to update this :) so much has occurred since then!
Tonight, however, we finished it invitations. That was huge. The process of creating and making and everything was really a huge pain!

darling, i do

i could lay in bed with you forever, just feeling you, smelling you, and looking at you.
that, dearest one, would be perfect. i can think of no better way to spend my time, than looking in your deep, wonderfully blue eyes, my fingers trailing over your skin, closing my eyes and just breathing you in.

i just can't tell you what you mean to me. i just want to be able to express myself perfectly, but i just find myself grasping around in the air, trying to grab words and string them together to create the best sentence, the best paragraph, the best way to express what you do to me. what the mere presence of you does to me.

you walk into a room, and my eyes are drawn to you. magnets. i have no power to pull my line of vision from you. butterflies, in my stomach. my lips curl in to a smile involuntarily. this is just something my body does; this is just effect to your cause.

i come undone when i see you. i come undone when i lie with you. i just unravel and fall into your arms. i try my best to physically fill the gaps between us, contorting my body to get as close to you as i can. when the length of your body is pressed against mine, it's heaven.

your warmth, perfect. i didn't know how cold it felt until i'm pressed against your side, and then i'm aware of how imperfect and chilled i was before. your skin, heaven. to have you against me is to define comfort.

i long to hear your voice, to feel your voice. to feel the words escape you and rumble in your chest, and vibrate through my body. it's incredible. it's amazing to feel what you're saying as you're saying it. to be aware of your every movement. to feel your chest rise and fall, to feel your heartbeat through your back. goodness.

i wish so badly i could tell you how i feel. but these words, they just don't do justice. they don't even begin to describe how you make me feel. there's nothing i can do to really truly do it justice.

there's nothing i can do, except live the rest of my life loving you.

i can see but i've lost my sight

man, did i used to write.

and why ever, EVER, did i stop? when i didnt have a muse, i could write and write and write. and now that i have one, nothing.

maybe i'm just the type of person that needs something 'tragic' to get in the way? maybe the lack of unhappiness in my life is settling into something that my mind is forcing to take form as career?

hmm.

regardless, i am disappointed in myself for the lack of posts about a certain someone. about someone who has drastically changed my life. about someone who's smile i long for. the longer i go without seeing it, the more i feel i die inside.

you know, you complete me. as tacky and cliche as that sounds, it's okay. because its true. your skin on mine.. it's perfect. the way we fit together just so, it's wonderful. you're a tiny miracle, a daily reminder that life can be incredible.

to myself

you are a strong, strong women. you have come far in your life. you have worked hard. you don't deserve any of it. you were not brought this far on your own drive, on your own strength, on your own path. you were guided, every step of the way. he won't stop now.

you WILL be okay. you WILL face more hard times. you WILL NOT let that stop you. you will not let that stop you from happiness, from your future, from being who you are called to be. your LORD has his hand on you, he helps carve your path. he is not stopping now, and you're getting in the way.

stop beating yourself up! stop with the crazy thoughts about 'what if' and 'but i wanted to' and 'i'm too young to..' STOP IT! you will life the life intended. your every dream may not be fulfilled, but you'll be okay with it. remember how bad you wanted to be a horse breeder? a horse trainer? a professional horseback rider? do you want that anymore? no. you yearned for it, you ached for it, you strived for it, and then you mourned its loss and moved on. now, you don't wish for it anymore. that was never GOD's dream for you. that was your own dream. who's to say LA and nashville and a big city isn't the same thing? who's to say that what you think you want, isn't in fact the best thing for you?

and if it is? it will be provided. it will be given to you. you, on your death bed, will be content with your life. happy. why? not because you were given everything you hoped, or you made every correct decision, but because the LORD guided your every decision.

keep your GOD in your prayers, in the forefront of your mind. remember why you're on this earth. remember who keeps you alive. remember who led you to kentucky. and importantly, remember the path that brought you to kentucky. it was CERTAINLY not easy, certainly not fun, and certainly not the wisest choice. but look to where god led you when you turned to him. look to where you landed.

stop looking at your future as a whole. each day is something. it should not be skimmed over or lumped into a group of 600, 900, 1200. stop it! stop belittling your future and your god, and let him work. let him guide and lead.

the same way you wouldn't go into a battle unarmed or unprotected, don't go into a decision looking forward. go into every step of your life looking up. he will guide you. he won't let you fall.

love.

how do i know the love that i have is true? is real? is God-given?

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

our love is very patient. our love is very kind. we have each other, we rejoice in each other. we rarely truely anger, we discuss our issues down. our voices are rarely raised. we forgive. we forget. we're selfless. we sacrifice ourselves for the other. we're never jealous, we're never in want.

any bad that befalls him, befalls me. any good that lifts him, lifts me. we're quick to console, quick to apologize, quick to support. bad day? a simple phone call will reverse that. great day? another phone call will encourage even greater. i'm my own worst enemy, he's my hero, saving me from myself.

in times when i can't remember which way is up, he's there to point the direction. if ever i'm lost, i can trust he'll guide me straight. if i lose hope, he's there to carry me, whispering encouragement in my ear.

i never knew what i was missing in my life until we found each other. my world doesn't collapse when he's not near, but the sun shines brighter when he is. we've found each other, and there's not much more we need.

i'm giving you my heart to break

wine, sometimes, make things clearly. allows the brain to forget about barriers and walls. it makes things a little less refined, a little more casual.

i think i needed it. i needed a moment to let it all down and out and without holding back. to really experience fully what has been living in the back of my mind without the attachment of emotions, anxiety, disappointment, fear.

i fell. hard. really hard. it may have been totally irresponsible on my fault. i probably shouldn't have let it happen. but i've had my guard up for the past few years. i'm used to being a time bomb.. a ticking clock. it felt good to let that part of me go for awhile. i didn't realize it would reach this point and threaten to blow up in my face.

but the thing is, i have this incredible desire to move away. to prove myself over and over and over. i can't do that here. i don't WANT to do that here. i want to be away. to be on a coast. to be in a city. to be where i'm comfortable, and challenged, and carefree, and on my guard. there's that one city that has my heart in its grasp and won't let go. but i know its not love. i know its not lifelong. i just want that city for awhile. for a season.

but i want him for longer.

i don't see them on the same plane. i don't see them as because i want one, i can't have the other. or rather, because i want one, means i care about the other less.

because i'd give anything for him.

i'm just constantly in a state of desire. desire to move, to leave, to live up to my potential. i feel as if i'm not allowed to live up to my full potential here in kentucky. i love it here. so much. don't get me wrong. this is the best place i've ever lived.

but i still want los angeles for awhile. it was a short season in my life, and i want it again but longer. not much longer, but i do want it for more than eight months. after that, after i know what i CAN be and gain priceless experience, i'll live anywhere. anywhere.

i've been up nights

in the past, i've fallen, and fallen hard.
but this one, i can tell, is different.
hes inspiring me to be beautiful. in more ways than one. my every fiber is straining to be heard, to be gorgeous, to be creative, to be good enough for his compliments, his adoration, his love.
i've never tried so hard to be the best version of myself. and the thing is, it's not even trying. its simply being.
i've never felt so appreciated for just being. i can do no wrong.

all the cliches are coming true. his smile lights up my room. my mind won't stop wandering. my fingers long to rest on his skin. my bed is cold when he's not there. i've daydreamed during work, had conversations in my head with him, have been on picnics in my head, have been on walks, leisurely strolling, hand in hand. nothing i can think up compares to the power of his being in reality.

i want to be perfect, if not to let him down. i want to live up to his praise, to give him something worth falling for.

he makes me want to take up dancing, so i could attempt to express myself through dance. to pick up singin, so i could try to communicate how i feel through song. to be the best at everything, so i can compete and win in his name. because he deserves it all, deserves the best, and for some reason he's chosen me.

unfinished 'love' letter to unknown

i lost you before i had you
i realize now the perfection was imagined in my head
its time to let go
and its time to move on
i had it down to a science in my head

and when your favorite song comes on my radio
i wonder if you know mine?
i wonder if you'd care?
if you'd lose sleep thinking of me at night
keeping your pillow warm beside you
if you'd ever imagined summers, winter, autumns, springs,
spent in my company, talking, laughing, discovering.

let me slip away silently
and you'll never know i was here
i'll disappear out the door
i'll step carefully to avoid
the groaning of the floor

let me slip away sliently
you'll never know i left
without a word, into the night
without a goodbye

i'm trying to hard, i'm putting this on myself
the bleakness of the sky, the rain falling down
makes me feel more clearly, more wrongly
i never had you to begin with. you were never mine
but i got used to the idea of us together

i want free from this.
i asked over and over and over
but i can't get through
i'm reading too closely
i'm looking for signs in the sky
i want this to be right so bad, it's wrong
i'm gone
i'm out of here
i'm not looking back
i've got to get my head clear

you've got me in your peripheral vision

sometimes i feel like i'm never going to break through.
he has no idea how badly he's scarred my heart those six or seven years ago. all those words, so easily dished out, left such an impact; i didn't realize the severity of them until now.
so many years down the road, and i still question every step i take, every word i say, every effort i let out. is it too much? is it too soon? is it not enough? am i doing this right?
its this feeling of doubt that i'm scared will haunt me forever, leave me second guessing every moment, reading too far between the lines, not able to take everything at face value.
it's sad, really.

and on top of it, my stronger, more secure and confident side, that i've built up over the past years, makes me wonder if its really ME to blame. should i be pointing fingers? can't i just own up and take responsibility for my actions, my fears, my doubts?

i hate this inner battle. this battle that threatens to tear apart every relationship. my biggest battle is living with these doubts and being able to keep them under control.

it is silly. it is juvenile. and i'm so ready to grow up and let them go. i think i just need someone to help me overcome it all.

come on, get higher

there's something about coffee that leaves me with the aftertaste of regret.
i've come across the fact i'm not as prepared to grow up as i thought i was. this summer was unlike anything i expected, not totally for the better. i wear myself out with expectations and the urgency and drive to meet them, only to find myself far flung and exhausted with keeping up. it's not that i'm let down, it's just that i'm mildly disappointed.

i wanted to be swept off me feet. not for keeps, just for a season. i wanted carefree when i wasn't busy making my dreams come true, and instead i got hot and alone. time slipped through my fingers as quickly as the sand of the beaches i walk on, and i'm finding myself without the ocean crashing against my shins. i'm caught off guard. where did it all go? i miss laughing, i miss volleyball, i miss reading by candlelight, i miss bonfires and wine. there isn't enough time for everything, and miles separate us enough to make it not possible.

i live inside music that makes me nostalgic for times that never even existed. i have a vision in my head that never plays out quite how i want it.

this isn't going to end the way it always does. i won't be overcome. sometimes you get pulled in a different direction, and its not necessarily bad. it's just different. i'm learning this, i'm moving on.

even though i've been feeling like my hour glass has been running out since august, i'll be okay with it. i'm learning to live in the moment and to embrace it all. i have the strongest support system anyone could ask for, and i'm secure in myself. i know who i am, and that's more than a lot of people can say.

i'll be back. i'll have plenty of nights spent on the sand listening to crashing waves to fall in love. it didn't pan out how i wanted this time, but there's someone looking out for me, and i'll find it all soon enough.

i'm liberated.

talk to me now, why do you run from me?

my heart isn't in this.

stay out of your head.

so many things i want to say and i can't say. i'm just existing for right now.

i've never been more at peace not knowing where i'll be this time in two months.

we're kept together by highways and telephone lines

i want so bad to tell you how i feel, but i'm trying so hard to keep this about you. its what i needed, and its what you need now, i'm sure of it. i need some sort of escape, though. i only hope you don't see this until weeks down the road. months, maybe.

i didn't want this to mean as much as it does. and it's not like it its the be all and end all, but it makes me so sad to know things how i knew it will be changed. it didn't feel real for a while.. i was eased into it, as were you. but counting down days to when you hit the road is making it more and more real to me. maybe i'm just delayed, i'm sure i'd be feeling it more had i been there. but since i'm miles away and there's only so much i can feel at once, i'm behind. and now i'm reeling trying to keep up.

you've been on my mind so often for the past few days, its killing me to think it will be a while until i see you again. i had my heart set on april, but i don't want to be a hindrance on you at all. i just want you to be happy, and i don't want to jeopardize that in any way. i'm a selfish person, but when it comes to you, i've never been more level headed or understanding. this is as easy as it should be, and i hope upon hope you can say the same.

my mind is everywhere right now. i can't seem to keep a straight thought for the life of me. its been this way for months and months.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i don't know how this will turn out. but whichever way it does, i want you to know i have your best interest in mind. i'm okay with anything, though i'd prefer to be back a few months. my heart misses you, and i have a feeling things are going to get worse. on the plus side, this place has prepared me, as with the past 4 years of my life, to sit in a car with more patience than i've ever had. that could work, right?

this city's killing me

i have yellowcard's 'back home' stuck in my head. with every step i take, everytime i start to slip, everytime i make a mistake, it comes forefront in my mind. its driving me crazy, and its making me worried. i feel as if i'm losing everything i wanted so quickly. i thought this place would make me, but its going to break me.

and i can't tell if its just me in a new place, or if its actually this place.

do i do this all the time? do i do this everytime i'm somewhere new? fight hard for something, but only feel as if i'm half-assing it? i could do better. i could succeed. but i'm not putting forth my full effort. or am i?

i had so much going for me back in kentucky. why did i leave it? why was i so eager to get out? i'm so upset with myself for jumping the gun. i could have held off one more semester. i would have been okay. i just didn't know it yet, i wasn't sure. i'm regretting that more and more.

i'm so bottled up inside, when i finally let things out, i break down. i'm not fully getting everything out. i need to. its going to be a breakdown soon, with all this stress, with all these decisions, with so much out of my hands i can't control.

i hate regretting things, and this one, so far, is turning into my biggest one. the timing was off. the timing was terrible. i gave up so much for this place and its not giving anything for me. not yet.

i just need once ounce of clarity and i'll be okay. i just need something to give, and i'll be fine. but its as rigid as brick--push too much and it will crack. it will crumble. it will fall to shambles.

i don't want to fall to shambles.

there's a hole where something was

i've fallen out of writing. i've lost touch with the way words came easily, the way i could make my feelings turn from emotion into threads of thought and word, entangled together.

when i look back, i miss the ease of hiding what i felt so strongly, even to myself. i look back, and don't even know exactly what i was experiencing. it's amazing the way i can't remember something that could make me write poison.

blah. i lost my train of thought. i feel too distracted these days to ever really finish anything. journals, books, conversations. everything seems too long to start. too complicated to get involved in.

oh well. goodnight.

im not sure where to go with this, what my next step should be. i need to take my own advice and get out of my head, but when i do that, i tend to let things slip. hence, the five years since. since...

what if it doesnt mean a lot to me now, but in the end it could have, and i let it slip by. what if this becomees reoccuring. what if i never fall again. im abnormal. i need this only to assure myself im okay, im not crazy, i am not broken enough to not let anyone in. cause really, thats one of my biggest fears right now.

oh, what to do.

This message was sent using the Picture and Video Messaging service from Verizon Wireless!

To learn how you can snap pictures and capture videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/picture.

To play video messages sent to email, QuickTime� 6.5 or higher is required. Visit www.apple.com/quicktime/download to download the free player or upgrade your existing QuickTime� Player. Note: During the download process when asked to choose an installation type (Minimum, Recommended or Custom), select Minimum for faster download.

i'm a little nervous i'm not going to become whom i'm supposed to be, all that i can be.

i have so much potential, and i know this. i recognize it. i push myself DAILY because i know i can get somewhere, and i will. but it scares me to think about not even really fulfilling that potential. what if i'm just a little under 100% of what i could be? what if i never fully get there? i'm a little concerned i won't make it. i'm a little concerned i'll fall apart if i get to 98% and just plateau.

i'm not sure i could handle it. i'm not sure i could handle the disappointment of getting so close, yet still being ages away, and not being able to fully reach it.

i'm a little scared of who i am NOT. its not a good thing to be scared of.

you're not as original as you think.

in fact, sometimes you make me want to vomit.

and i know that i won't be let down like i have before

perfect words right now. resonating in all the right places.

i just feel forgotten. "we're someone's substitutes"

when will i be more? its been four years now. someone's gotta give a shit sooner or later.

there's nothing i can do anymore. i think i'm way past trying to fix anything. it just can't be fixed, its more of a matter of life. it makes me really sad. really terribly sad. i feel like i'm not a part of your life unless conveniently i am there. which is never. i'm never there. because you are never here. and when you are, you're thinking of ways to go somewhere else. i don't know if you realize that, but thats the impression you give me.

i don't want to say anything, because it will just make things awkward. and its too late in life for it to be fixed.

i'm just hurt. and i need to get over it. because i'm on the back burner and i've been there for years. i just wish you would notice it.