im so tired of days that feel like the night

im exhausted with falling asleep alone. without fingers beside mine, without hands on me. without hair being pushed back and lips met. legs crossed and thoughts entwined. phrases completed and stories to share. 'how are you' versus 'i know you.' i want to tell the same stories over and over and have them smiled back at me. i want to see myself in eyes that are pleased to see me too. i want to be so self centered to the point im only centered on you. i want my other half.

songs on the air outside and a breeze being tossed back and forth between trees, windows, and fans only make me long for a place i never existed. i want to be somewhere i feel i belong, when in actuality i havent any idea. im making plans for months down the road when i dont even know my current state of heart. of location. of mind. of feeling.

old songs bring back so many memories. you have the words to mould me; i am your clay. i am everything you ever wanted. i dont lie, im absurdly honest. and it shocks me. you know more about me than anyone else.

i want to full heartedly give you my heart. i just wish you werent taking it so far.

ashes just fall to the ground

i allow myself to be like this. four minutes of repitition and words can make my heart break. bring me back years ago. grey carpet, shorts, tshirt. i remember it like the moon remembers the night sky. tears falling everywhere, small puddles and no one to wipe them.

i had no idea i would be nearly where i was again. i hadnt any clue. this is more than just nostalgia, this is history repeating itself.

but its so much better.

im taking such a huge chance and at the same time only leaping off the low dive. cross my heart and hope to die these dreams of yours are gonna fly

this could be everything i asked for. three years later and its the same calling. the same name. i asked for it. is this your answer? oh, im so lost.

this is nothing like you could ever have said. these tears that are falling aren't because im broken. they are because im remembering. things are falling into place and my mind is being blown. ive turned my back on you for such a long time and now im seeing signs in places they shouldn't be. this keyboard is all that is keeping me grounded right now, in so many more ways than one.

every word doesnt get dull. with every word comes life. i am learning to fall again. dreams and wishes are taking flight, are taking place. im not backing down.

this isnt how this was supposed to end up. the right words arent coming, but at the same time they are everything i want to say. i have no idea what goes on my heart, i only know what goes on through my fingers. they take command on their own. giggles are laughter are so foreign to me, it seems right to speak in them.

ive never felt so beautiful as i do right now, in a state of awkwardness, of ugliness, of acceptance and unknowingness.

these words arent what i feel. this isnt how i am. this isnt me at all.
but it is. every passing letter, every click with my fingers is building me up more and more. im ashamed to hit publish.

im so broken, and so whole.

and i can stay between the covers

i feel like the ultimate hassle.
permission to come home a day late resulted in conflicts on both sides of the phone. 'i miss you's and 'come home now's were exchanged as common as the breath through our mouths. but how far did that get me? how far did that get you? an hour here and there, not enough time to talk on the phone, and tears welling up in eyes. i want to be home but i want to be home if you will appreciate me. i want to spend time with you more than you can imagine, and now im competeing with an unknown enemy for your attention.
less than fourty eight hours and one broken heart later, and im back to how i was months ago. i just want to be with you, and i just want to spend time with you. i feel as if this is asking too much.
i hate coming back to changed feelings and statuses.. fighting with best friends over sizes and prices. who has the best quality and who doesn't care. im tired of you flaunting things that mean nothing to me, and im sick of you pretending to mean so much more. cant you see you mean the world? cant you see you own my heart? im so tired of trying to convince you its okay to relax, because i never had to do it before. i hate distance and i hate it more when its between us.

there isnt enough time for me to talk to anyone. phone calls didnt cut it, and plans fell through. who is the one feeling guilty now? who is the only one who feels guilty?

im sick of small rivers connecting the corners of my eyes to my mouth. im tired of the flavour of salt and the taste of pain. a few more months and this will be my life. its something i dread and something i long for.

i just want one year to connect to another. im sick of jolts and non-continuity.

throw my hands in the air as if it really matters

there are times where i feel so completely content with the way things are that i regret things ever having to change.
nights i reflect on, where the stars aligned so perfectly that everything below the heavens came together and matched.
im torn in so many directions, im straying from the cardinal four.
i collapse every night in a bed so familiar that i long for something new. to be somewhere else. inside arms ive met once. i had no idea we could meld with relative ease. i had no idea this would lead to where we are headed. five months, everydays, thousands of texts and words, three hours and fourty dollars got us to where we are, and three thousand miles is all that is keeping us apart.
i fall asleep with eyes closed and a heavy sigh as i drift into thoughts of what could be and what has. faint smile playing on my lips. you belong on them, you belong with them.

there is so much at stake and so much is so young. its too early to tell, but your words are trapped inside my head. its all i hear and its all i think. you have me confused to the state of not being able to worry, yet holding my breath with anticipation every step of the way. i breathe just to remind myself of when you were there. i entangle fingers just for a glimpse of a night. my fingers continue to click away at words so unfamiliar for years. i hold my breath with every 'enter,' praying i havent taken it a step too far, that my incessant words wont pull you away. that three thousand miles is enough of a reason to keep you close.

i look at the clock and count back time, back to a week, a few days, a few hours. think of what you could be doing, think of what i am doing.
i know when i have more on my plate this will vanish with the winter air, but the cold front keeps coming back and so are you. its not spring, its not summer, and you are with me every second of the day. the frost i never wanted but i refuse to let go. the obsession with the way things are beautiful when its white. the desire for warm weather, but the reluctance to make the comfort of the cold disappear.

this could take a turn to somewhere i have been before, but never experienced as fully as i desired. this is something that i didnt see coming. i had not even a clue. is this an answered prayer? is this a leap of faith? is this pushing me somewhere i hadn't known before?

and then that week. the agony, the perfection, the memories. a million hours into four. years of laughter, knowledge, and memories forming in one night. the desire to never let it end. completely caught off guard.

the sunshine state has had a grip on me for far too long.
california has stolen my heart.

now shes shutting down

my heart cant handle this.
im terrified of being alone. and you go, and she will go, and im alone.
im all alone.
you are the reason its so great here. and im terrified you are making a mistake. not because of my own selfishness, but because you dont realize it. you are happy.
you dont know what its like to truly hate a place. to desire to be anywhere else in the world, that if you stay there one more minute your brain will shut down and your body will collapse and your heart will follow. to feel such resentment and hatred that no matter what, you feel you cant live anymore. to truly despise most everything around you.
and now i know how it was. for you. for her. for them all. to listen.
im so sorry, because i had no idea my words contained so much anger, bitterness, poison. i had no idea it could kill.
you dont know.
you think.
but you really dont. and you shouldnt. you shouldnt ever. you should leave.

her hand is on the doorknob and her fingers are trailing off the cool metal. one twist right and this is gone. forever. the phone doesn't want to be woken up and it doesnt work too well both ways. secrets will remain hidden. go ahead and talk. go ahead. behind my back, behind closed doors. my silence will raise questions, and will raise suspicion. but i wont cave. because the second the words come, so will the tears.

i need on again. this is going no where good.
you wont be happier and you will regret it.

hes stringing her along and she cant even see it. he has a crush but really he is just crushing her heart. holding hands is more like holding grudges. its better to keep them close. it hurts more that way.

i didnt know this morning my world could crash.

the second i let someone close, they disappear.

you're crashing, but you're no wave

my life is a single cycle. what i put in comes right back out. and the days, weeks, months, seasons, years all pass with relative predictability. time keeps changing, i am nostalgic for the same reasons, the same feelings, and its the same year after year.
rain and a cool breeze reminds me of spring. brings me back to last year walking lavender lined sidewalks with people who made me laugh. i was content in those moments. it was in those other moments where my world fell down.
and now. i long for the same. dull green and grey isnt cutting it right now. the lack of snow and the lack of continuity is playing with my mind. i find myself listening to the same i have been for years and years. longing for the longing to return home. homesick is a state of mind, and im travelling.
i nevrer knew i had this drive in me, this drive to sit and accomplish. but its all for the wrong reasons, or is it the right reason? did you know a little bit of recognition can go a long way? i'm pouring a lot into this too. so much time, thoughts, day dreaming. maybe you're scared of it. so am i.
but if you left it up to me, everyday would be a holiday from real
if only you knew what we had planned for next year.
if only you knew how well it will fall through.
if only you knew how much hope this gives me.
i've said it before and of course its in reference to you.
my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
im a stupid girl and i get excited way too easily. what do you expect? its been years since someone has cared.
even if you dont, you do a great job of pretending. and thats enough for me to live on.
i feel content. content with myself.
with the windows open.
with the door open.
metaphorically and literally.
theres so much planned for the next few months, its a wonder my mind isnt being blown.
im more content when im busy. things are more spontaneous this way.
no room for time and breathing allows for more time to blow off plans and create new ones.
i love it.
i cant wait.
for the rain and the green and the tires on the road. loud music and laughter intermixed with live music.
oh, its going to be a blast.

usher in spring 2007.

lost in you and i cant find myself

seemingly happy and possibly expecting something.
im so scared im alone in this, im feeling more than i should.
im afraid these words will go unread and unrecognized.
that the eyes they are intended for will or will not pass over without putting two and two together.
its all about putting two and two together.
its crazy, this. it is.
its repetition for years past and this is far less legit.
oh, im terrified of a chance encounter.
what havok it may wreak. and how much pleasure may be taken from it.

you have no idea. and i wish those words were for me.
i feel that they are but its just because im so vain.

oh i feel so exposed and so out there.
so exhilarated though. as if this is what i want.
i miss the rush.
i miss the hesitation.
i miss the daring.

make me whole.

one day we'll get nostalgic for disaster

who knew old songs could bring back so much.
old friends mix with new friends and middle friends and it all just blends together.
add a handful of memories, a pinch of love, and blend.

its crazy how looking at black and white pictures, comopletely lack of colour, can brighten your life. make you long for days you never knew you had. for dust, music, sun, and flipflops. playing chase with gallons of water. smores in pockets. you know what i mean.
i long for when i can look back into the past and be content with life the way i am now. to looking into the present and be thrilled with the day to day living.

im so nostalgic for that. sun drenched days. when you look back and the memories are faded and sepia colored. because thats all you remember are those shades.
girls and laughter. the first night and so much trust. allowed to be led blind into the night in an unfamiliar area. deep drops didnt break our bond. lets hold hands tighter and step into the friendships.
this might mean nothing to you, but it means everything to you.

smile towards me one more time. it might just break my heart and make me more vulnerable.
its all i ask for.
its all i want.

you dont know it, but you plague my mind. get you out of my mind.

i need you here, i need you now, i need security somehow. i need you like you would not believe. you're the only thing i want because you are everything, everything i need.

i remember when those words meant something. resonated in my heart.

dont let me fall into it. save me from myself.
i want these words to make things right, but its the wrongs that make these words come to life

oh, i am so tacky.

secrets are the hardest thing to keep from you

its been a long time coming.
and this isnt out of resentment.
rather, a twist of fate of who i am.
im not who i used to be. im turning into someone else. i cant decide if its for the good or for the bad.
but either way, its who i am. i used to believe i had a fraction of a notion of who i was.
but really, its just all up in the air.

close your eyes and make a wish, just for one moment, that in this mess of turns, regrets, hopes, and honesty, we find a bit of life to make it all worthwhile. that two people will run into eachother on the street and its known as a beginning rather than an end.

this train of thought that was easily followed has traversed into a land of "oh who knows"

so im putting this on hold.

i am flawed, but cleaning up so well

i am a disaster and a masterpiece rolled into one.
carefully chiseled rough edges are all i am made of.
i am hurt oh so easily, and rebound just as quickly.
i am nothing and everything you expect, and so quick to jump to conclusion.
i am passionate and i make it be known, and then cant figure out how to untangle myself of the expectations that i have cast onto me.
i am so lazy and so eager to be somewhere else doing other things.
i allow a bitter taste to sit in my mouth when it isnt necessary.
i am overdramatic.
i am free, i am so upset with it.
i have an incredible sense of direction and i feel i live with my eyes closed.
i wish i was the kind of woman men write into movies.
i am the character you love to hate.
i wish the songs were sung about me.
i am just the person they don't write for.
i am more easily forgotten & loved more than i think.
i can easily write off achievements but only after i make sure everyone knows of them.



i am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.