chase this light

i wanted so bad for you to take my breath away.

a few months ago, i knew i would feel this way. months and days later, and i had no idea you still had this effect on me. i know it seems easy for me to say these words, and i toss around that phrase lightly sometimes, but there are few to whom i actually mean it. and with you, i do.

i know where your heart stands in line with that. but i have no idea where it stands in reference to me. i think that's what makes it all the more while. i want your attention, and i want it badly. with you, words come easy. glances can be held. you make me comfortable and so uncomfortable all in the same sentence. and you have no idea.

there's so much i want to say to you, but none of it appropriate for the occasion. i'll hold my tongue months longer. anything less would be unexpected and out of line.

i wish so bad you would just take my hand. i would know, i would know.

a little death makes life more meaningful

i'm enthralled. this one world i once known is finally becoming one i embrace. i'm moving past it, the hatred, i'm letting it go.

its put me somewhere better. its easy to see the hand of reason and love when you're looking over your shoulder. and i can't thank you enough.

a part of my old world is coming crashing into my present life. and she's bringing laughter, smiles, and memories of a time of death, yet life. i'm focusing on the life.

i am so happy with myself sometimes. i handle myself in way that makes me head jealous. i can flatter myself in the best way possible. synonomous with the way i can tear myself apart. its okay. its okay. i will get past it.

this is the last thing i should be doing, but i needed to take some time to just be happy. to invest in myself. i feel so alive.

i'm in the last room on the planet you'd expect, and all this inspiration is dripping from the ceiling. my fingers are channeling it through the airwaves.

you close your eyes and see me

i read words from the past today. i was strangely unhappy, and looked at it from a different perspective. i'm sorry i was like that. i am sorry you had to deal with me in that time. know that now i appreciate you a lot, and i realize what we had wasn't anything. but who isn't to say what could happen in a year?

who is to say what could happen next week?

in two days, my life is going to be complete.

they've got us pinned terribly

i feel like such a disappointment.

i am tired of trying to live for myself and only getting met with disapproval and a strong and stubborn refusal to let go.

let me go. let me free. this struggle isn't anything i imagined. i feel like a prisoner in my own life. and it's of my own doing because i care too much.

you are crippling my future.

i am not independant as i like to think i am. and i'm terribly addictive. i hold on too strongly.

these are my faults.

i'm alone in this

i go back and forth between emotions. exaltation and despair. i'm tired of not knowing how to feel when i wake up. this roller coaster is nothing i asked for and nothing i want to be a part of. forget it, its not worth it.

i just want this to be a phase more than anything. but even it if it is a phase, there's going to be something left over. you know better than anyone how i value trust. and how willingly i give it out and accept it. i've been hurt but that doesn't stop me from trying. and i feel used and recycled. i'm replaceable. thats the worst feeling to feel when you go to bed at night.

i hate being alone. and that's all i've been feeling. i need time to think, and i can't. i can't have a second to be okay. i can't have a minute with just you. its everyone or its me. and i chose myself.

i hate sounding selfish, but its my turn. when was the last time you thought about how i might feel? all of you? you never do. its always you and your busy schedules. no time for anything.

you don't even know what that word entails.

see you later.

on the other hand..

i've never been happier.

i am insignificant.

i am insignificant.

guess what? i'm done.

i'm through with it all.
i am tired of being hurt. i need to externalize. i don't internalize enough. and it gets me in trouble.
i'm sick of things being said about me that aren't true. i observe and i need to share. this is nothing. say whatever you want about me, and i could care less. i guess that's what makes me different.

i don't need the approval or diapproval of others to know how i feel. and i feel confident in knowing that i can be wrong, that i can be right. that i can fail and succeed. in fact, i'm failing now. but i'm making it.

i am tired of letting other people talk me into a corner. i am sick of over trusting. its impossible for me to not trust. i am sick of being betrayed. a move for an improvement in my health is making my head ache and go crazy. my heart hurt and fear the worst. i don't want to stay here.

the rising tide will not let you forget me

i'm over it. its all words. i never wanted to invest anything in them anyway. it never leads anywhere anyway. i'm disappointed, let down, and should have seen it coming.

on a lighter note, at least two of the most influential people in my life are getting along so so very well, and it makes me want to stick around a bit longer.

destiny's knocking at my door

you were alive today. my heart was happy.

the door was left ajar and a wind relentless pushed it open. in with the breeze came a breath of fresh air. it was familiar and whispered all the right things.
do you remember the long conversations on the phone? do you remember sharing secrets by twilight and fast fingers? do you remember the smile that danced continually?

the right thing will happen.

i hate feeling left out but i keep telling myself its just because of the newness of the relationship.

that's all i have today.

love conquers hate

we're all searching for something. for something that we can hold on to, to keep ourselves sane. to keep ourselves grounded. sometimes this one temporary thing that at the time seems permanent.. this one thing will work for awhile. we invest in it. we hold on to it and tell ourselves its okay. we will make it through. we will persevere. and then you fall. you hit rock bottom. or maybe you don't.. maybe you just realize that its a lie. all these things you've been telling yourself are simply little white lies to help you get through. so we realize that what we've known for so long, what we've put our trust, time and full-hearted belief in is false. it's nothing more than pretend. and if you are truly honest with yourself--if you sit down and are one hundred percent open--you will realize how unhappy you are. how all these things--a car, a job, clothes, food, dinners, tvs, stereos, ipods, computers--are nothing more than distractions to make us believe we are content. we are successful. we are happy. and these relationships--family and friends--are just shells of what they were and what they could be. that this so called potential we've lived up to (and don't we have the gadgets to prove it!) is nothing more than a starting point.

and that's where you can find hope. a starting point.

unless you are stagnant. and the support you thought you had really just criticizes you every step of the way. out of love, of course. but the plans you hold for your future are kept secret for fear of disapproval, of rejection. or worse, being scoffed at. because you know its easier going forward with plans that don't have any sort of criticism than to think you aren't supported.

deep down, we wish we had support. we wish we all could be happy. we wish our fears weren't legit.

this is once in a lifetime

for once i'm going to post something other than my own words, my own thoughts.

this song is beautiful, and poignant. and i'm proud to say the mind that wrote this is a friend.

i needed somewhere to keep these words safe so i could read them whenever i got the urge.

"the revenge of holden caulfield"
nothing ever stays

it took some trust on your part
to say the things you need, to say the things you need
and i wont say anything that i can't take back, that i can't take back
cause i'm a fake, and i cant do this anymore

its not the first time that i've heard this
its nothing new and i might regret it
there's no words to speak to explain this
so just be patient and i'll make this painless
i tried to tell you but you never quite got it
kept pushing forward and you knew it needed to stop
it grows harder and harder to break

just a few months and you're way to close
and i'm taking back, i take two steps back
because your words are just too real
and i won't regret any words i say
cause i'm a fake
and i've led you on for way to long

its not the first time that i've heard this (its just the beginning)
its nothing new and i might regret it (its nothing new and its not worth sending)
there's no words to speak to explain this (i could be wrong)
so just be patient and i'll make this painless
i tried to tell you but you never quite got it (but it was bad timing on your part)
kept pushing forward and you knew it needed to stop (kept pushing)
it grows harder and harder to break

its not the first time that i've heard this
its nothing new and i might regret it
there's no words to speak to explain this
so just be patient and i'll make this painless
i tried to tell you but you never quite got it
kept pushing forward and you knew it needed to stop
it grows harder and harder to break