this city's killing me

i have yellowcard's 'back home' stuck in my head. with every step i take, everytime i start to slip, everytime i make a mistake, it comes forefront in my mind. its driving me crazy, and its making me worried. i feel as if i'm losing everything i wanted so quickly. i thought this place would make me, but its going to break me.

and i can't tell if its just me in a new place, or if its actually this place.

do i do this all the time? do i do this everytime i'm somewhere new? fight hard for something, but only feel as if i'm half-assing it? i could do better. i could succeed. but i'm not putting forth my full effort. or am i?

i had so much going for me back in kentucky. why did i leave it? why was i so eager to get out? i'm so upset with myself for jumping the gun. i could have held off one more semester. i would have been okay. i just didn't know it yet, i wasn't sure. i'm regretting that more and more.

i'm so bottled up inside, when i finally let things out, i break down. i'm not fully getting everything out. i need to. its going to be a breakdown soon, with all this stress, with all these decisions, with so much out of my hands i can't control.

i hate regretting things, and this one, so far, is turning into my biggest one. the timing was off. the timing was terrible. i gave up so much for this place and its not giving anything for me. not yet.

i just need once ounce of clarity and i'll be okay. i just need something to give, and i'll be fine. but its as rigid as brick--push too much and it will crack. it will crumble. it will fall to shambles.

i don't want to fall to shambles.