throw my hands in the air as if it really matters

there are times where i feel so completely content with the way things are that i regret things ever having to change.
nights i reflect on, where the stars aligned so perfectly that everything below the heavens came together and matched.
im torn in so many directions, im straying from the cardinal four.
i collapse every night in a bed so familiar that i long for something new. to be somewhere else. inside arms ive met once. i had no idea we could meld with relative ease. i had no idea this would lead to where we are headed. five months, everydays, thousands of texts and words, three hours and fourty dollars got us to where we are, and three thousand miles is all that is keeping us apart.
i fall asleep with eyes closed and a heavy sigh as i drift into thoughts of what could be and what has. faint smile playing on my lips. you belong on them, you belong with them.

there is so much at stake and so much is so young. its too early to tell, but your words are trapped inside my head. its all i hear and its all i think. you have me confused to the state of not being able to worry, yet holding my breath with anticipation every step of the way. i breathe just to remind myself of when you were there. i entangle fingers just for a glimpse of a night. my fingers continue to click away at words so unfamiliar for years. i hold my breath with every 'enter,' praying i havent taken it a step too far, that my incessant words wont pull you away. that three thousand miles is enough of a reason to keep you close.

i look at the clock and count back time, back to a week, a few days, a few hours. think of what you could be doing, think of what i am doing.
i know when i have more on my plate this will vanish with the winter air, but the cold front keeps coming back and so are you. its not spring, its not summer, and you are with me every second of the day. the frost i never wanted but i refuse to let go. the obsession with the way things are beautiful when its white. the desire for warm weather, but the reluctance to make the comfort of the cold disappear.

this could take a turn to somewhere i have been before, but never experienced as fully as i desired. this is something that i didnt see coming. i had not even a clue. is this an answered prayer? is this a leap of faith? is this pushing me somewhere i hadn't known before?

and then that week. the agony, the perfection, the memories. a million hours into four. years of laughter, knowledge, and memories forming in one night. the desire to never let it end. completely caught off guard.

the sunshine state has had a grip on me for far too long.
california has stolen my heart.