this city's killing me

i have yellowcard's 'back home' stuck in my head. with every step i take, everytime i start to slip, everytime i make a mistake, it comes forefront in my mind. its driving me crazy, and its making me worried. i feel as if i'm losing everything i wanted so quickly. i thought this place would make me, but its going to break me.

and i can't tell if its just me in a new place, or if its actually this place.

do i do this all the time? do i do this everytime i'm somewhere new? fight hard for something, but only feel as if i'm half-assing it? i could do better. i could succeed. but i'm not putting forth my full effort. or am i?

i had so much going for me back in kentucky. why did i leave it? why was i so eager to get out? i'm so upset with myself for jumping the gun. i could have held off one more semester. i would have been okay. i just didn't know it yet, i wasn't sure. i'm regretting that more and more.

i'm so bottled up inside, when i finally let things out, i break down. i'm not fully getting everything out. i need to. its going to be a breakdown soon, with all this stress, with all these decisions, with so much out of my hands i can't control.

i hate regretting things, and this one, so far, is turning into my biggest one. the timing was off. the timing was terrible. i gave up so much for this place and its not giving anything for me. not yet.

i just need once ounce of clarity and i'll be okay. i just need something to give, and i'll be fine. but its as rigid as brick--push too much and it will crack. it will crumble. it will fall to shambles.

i don't want to fall to shambles.

there's a hole where something was

i've fallen out of writing. i've lost touch with the way words came easily, the way i could make my feelings turn from emotion into threads of thought and word, entangled together.

when i look back, i miss the ease of hiding what i felt so strongly, even to myself. i look back, and don't even know exactly what i was experiencing. it's amazing the way i can't remember something that could make me write poison.

blah. i lost my train of thought. i feel too distracted these days to ever really finish anything. journals, books, conversations. everything seems too long to start. too complicated to get involved in.

oh well. goodnight.

im not sure where to go with this, what my next step should be. i need to take my own advice and get out of my head, but when i do that, i tend to let things slip. hence, the five years since. since...

what if it doesnt mean a lot to me now, but in the end it could have, and i let it slip by. what if this becomees reoccuring. what if i never fall again. im abnormal. i need this only to assure myself im okay, im not crazy, i am not broken enough to not let anyone in. cause really, thats one of my biggest fears right now.

oh, what to do.

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i'm a little nervous i'm not going to become whom i'm supposed to be, all that i can be.

i have so much potential, and i know this. i recognize it. i push myself DAILY because i know i can get somewhere, and i will. but it scares me to think about not even really fulfilling that potential. what if i'm just a little under 100% of what i could be? what if i never fully get there? i'm a little concerned i won't make it. i'm a little concerned i'll fall apart if i get to 98% and just plateau.

i'm not sure i could handle it. i'm not sure i could handle the disappointment of getting so close, yet still being ages away, and not being able to fully reach it.

i'm a little scared of who i am NOT. its not a good thing to be scared of.

you're not as original as you think.

in fact, sometimes you make me want to vomit.

and i know that i won't be let down like i have before

perfect words right now. resonating in all the right places.

i just feel forgotten. "we're someone's substitutes"

when will i be more? its been four years now. someone's gotta give a shit sooner or later.

there's nothing i can do anymore. i think i'm way past trying to fix anything. it just can't be fixed, its more of a matter of life. it makes me really sad. really terribly sad. i feel like i'm not a part of your life unless conveniently i am there. which is never. i'm never there. because you are never here. and when you are, you're thinking of ways to go somewhere else. i don't know if you realize that, but thats the impression you give me.

i don't want to say anything, because it will just make things awkward. and its too late in life for it to be fixed.

i'm just hurt. and i need to get over it. because i'm on the back burner and i've been there for years. i just wish you would notice it.

chase this light

i wanted so bad for you to take my breath away.

a few months ago, i knew i would feel this way. months and days later, and i had no idea you still had this effect on me. i know it seems easy for me to say these words, and i toss around that phrase lightly sometimes, but there are few to whom i actually mean it. and with you, i do.

i know where your heart stands in line with that. but i have no idea where it stands in reference to me. i think that's what makes it all the more while. i want your attention, and i want it badly. with you, words come easy. glances can be held. you make me comfortable and so uncomfortable all in the same sentence. and you have no idea.

there's so much i want to say to you, but none of it appropriate for the occasion. i'll hold my tongue months longer. anything less would be unexpected and out of line.

i wish so bad you would just take my hand. i would know, i would know.

a little death makes life more meaningful

i'm enthralled. this one world i once known is finally becoming one i embrace. i'm moving past it, the hatred, i'm letting it go.

its put me somewhere better. its easy to see the hand of reason and love when you're looking over your shoulder. and i can't thank you enough.

a part of my old world is coming crashing into my present life. and she's bringing laughter, smiles, and memories of a time of death, yet life. i'm focusing on the life.

i am so happy with myself sometimes. i handle myself in way that makes me head jealous. i can flatter myself in the best way possible. synonomous with the way i can tear myself apart. its okay. its okay. i will get past it.

this is the last thing i should be doing, but i needed to take some time to just be happy. to invest in myself. i feel so alive.

i'm in the last room on the planet you'd expect, and all this inspiration is dripping from the ceiling. my fingers are channeling it through the airwaves.

you close your eyes and see me

i read words from the past today. i was strangely unhappy, and looked at it from a different perspective. i'm sorry i was like that. i am sorry you had to deal with me in that time. know that now i appreciate you a lot, and i realize what we had wasn't anything. but who isn't to say what could happen in a year?

who is to say what could happen next week?

in two days, my life is going to be complete.

they've got us pinned terribly

i feel like such a disappointment.

i am tired of trying to live for myself and only getting met with disapproval and a strong and stubborn refusal to let go.

let me go. let me free. this struggle isn't anything i imagined. i feel like a prisoner in my own life. and it's of my own doing because i care too much.

you are crippling my future.

i am not independant as i like to think i am. and i'm terribly addictive. i hold on too strongly.

these are my faults.