talk to me now, why do you run from me?

my heart isn't in this.

stay out of your head.

so many things i want to say and i can't say. i'm just existing for right now.

i've never been more at peace not knowing where i'll be this time in two months.

we're kept together by highways and telephone lines

i want so bad to tell you how i feel, but i'm trying so hard to keep this about you. its what i needed, and its what you need now, i'm sure of it. i need some sort of escape, though. i only hope you don't see this until weeks down the road. months, maybe.

i didn't want this to mean as much as it does. and it's not like it its the be all and end all, but it makes me so sad to know things how i knew it will be changed. it didn't feel real for a while.. i was eased into it, as were you. but counting down days to when you hit the road is making it more and more real to me. maybe i'm just delayed, i'm sure i'd be feeling it more had i been there. but since i'm miles away and there's only so much i can feel at once, i'm behind. and now i'm reeling trying to keep up.

you've been on my mind so often for the past few days, its killing me to think it will be a while until i see you again. i had my heart set on april, but i don't want to be a hindrance on you at all. i just want you to be happy, and i don't want to jeopardize that in any way. i'm a selfish person, but when it comes to you, i've never been more level headed or understanding. this is as easy as it should be, and i hope upon hope you can say the same.

my mind is everywhere right now. i can't seem to keep a straight thought for the life of me. its been this way for months and months.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i don't know how this will turn out. but whichever way it does, i want you to know i have your best interest in mind. i'm okay with anything, though i'd prefer to be back a few months. my heart misses you, and i have a feeling things are going to get worse. on the plus side, this place has prepared me, as with the past 4 years of my life, to sit in a car with more patience than i've ever had. that could work, right?

this city's killing me

i have yellowcard's 'back home' stuck in my head. with every step i take, everytime i start to slip, everytime i make a mistake, it comes forefront in my mind. its driving me crazy, and its making me worried. i feel as if i'm losing everything i wanted so quickly. i thought this place would make me, but its going to break me.

and i can't tell if its just me in a new place, or if its actually this place.

do i do this all the time? do i do this everytime i'm somewhere new? fight hard for something, but only feel as if i'm half-assing it? i could do better. i could succeed. but i'm not putting forth my full effort. or am i?

i had so much going for me back in kentucky. why did i leave it? why was i so eager to get out? i'm so upset with myself for jumping the gun. i could have held off one more semester. i would have been okay. i just didn't know it yet, i wasn't sure. i'm regretting that more and more.

i'm so bottled up inside, when i finally let things out, i break down. i'm not fully getting everything out. i need to. its going to be a breakdown soon, with all this stress, with all these decisions, with so much out of my hands i can't control.

i hate regretting things, and this one, so far, is turning into my biggest one. the timing was off. the timing was terrible. i gave up so much for this place and its not giving anything for me. not yet.

i just need once ounce of clarity and i'll be okay. i just need something to give, and i'll be fine. but its as rigid as brick--push too much and it will crack. it will crumble. it will fall to shambles.

i don't want to fall to shambles.

there's a hole where something was

i've fallen out of writing. i've lost touch with the way words came easily, the way i could make my feelings turn from emotion into threads of thought and word, entangled together.

when i look back, i miss the ease of hiding what i felt so strongly, even to myself. i look back, and don't even know exactly what i was experiencing. it's amazing the way i can't remember something that could make me write poison.

blah. i lost my train of thought. i feel too distracted these days to ever really finish anything. journals, books, conversations. everything seems too long to start. too complicated to get involved in.

oh well. goodnight.

im not sure where to go with this, what my next step should be. i need to take my own advice and get out of my head, but when i do that, i tend to let things slip. hence, the five years since. since...

what if it doesnt mean a lot to me now, but in the end it could have, and i let it slip by. what if this becomees reoccuring. what if i never fall again. im abnormal. i need this only to assure myself im okay, im not crazy, i am not broken enough to not let anyone in. cause really, thats one of my biggest fears right now.

oh, what to do.

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i'm a little nervous i'm not going to become whom i'm supposed to be, all that i can be.

i have so much potential, and i know this. i recognize it. i push myself DAILY because i know i can get somewhere, and i will. but it scares me to think about not even really fulfilling that potential. what if i'm just a little under 100% of what i could be? what if i never fully get there? i'm a little concerned i won't make it. i'm a little concerned i'll fall apart if i get to 98% and just plateau.

i'm not sure i could handle it. i'm not sure i could handle the disappointment of getting so close, yet still being ages away, and not being able to fully reach it.

i'm a little scared of who i am NOT. its not a good thing to be scared of.

you're not as original as you think.

in fact, sometimes you make me want to vomit.

and i know that i won't be let down like i have before

perfect words right now. resonating in all the right places.

i just feel forgotten. "we're someone's substitutes"

when will i be more? its been four years now. someone's gotta give a shit sooner or later.

there's nothing i can do anymore. i think i'm way past trying to fix anything. it just can't be fixed, its more of a matter of life. it makes me really sad. really terribly sad. i feel like i'm not a part of your life unless conveniently i am there. which is never. i'm never there. because you are never here. and when you are, you're thinking of ways to go somewhere else. i don't know if you realize that, but thats the impression you give me.

i don't want to say anything, because it will just make things awkward. and its too late in life for it to be fixed.

i'm just hurt. and i need to get over it. because i'm on the back burner and i've been there for years. i just wish you would notice it.

chase this light

i wanted so bad for you to take my breath away.

a few months ago, i knew i would feel this way. months and days later, and i had no idea you still had this effect on me. i know it seems easy for me to say these words, and i toss around that phrase lightly sometimes, but there are few to whom i actually mean it. and with you, i do.

i know where your heart stands in line with that. but i have no idea where it stands in reference to me. i think that's what makes it all the more while. i want your attention, and i want it badly. with you, words come easy. glances can be held. you make me comfortable and so uncomfortable all in the same sentence. and you have no idea.

there's so much i want to say to you, but none of it appropriate for the occasion. i'll hold my tongue months longer. anything less would be unexpected and out of line.

i wish so bad you would just take my hand. i would know, i would know.