a long long time ago a holy baby was born

the more i try to find contentment in worldly things--in materials, in relationships, in family, in dreams--the more i get let down. the harder i fall. the more i come to realize that what lies within isn't contentment, its temporary satisfaction. temporary.

i struggle with a lot, but none so prevalently as home. as finding comfort, as being safe, as being free to relax. i find all that i am met with is cold, sarcasm, attitude, stubbornness.. a lack of understanding. a lack of understanding. and the incredible lack of ability to attempt so. judgment, persecution, relentless annoyance. constant needing to be right, to correct, to put down. and i'm not free of this. i stand amongst. i throw the stones, and i wonder why. as the rock leaves my hand, my mind asks "am i no better? am i getting satisfaction? is this what i believe it? is this who i am?"

and the answer is a resounding no.

i need out. i need to find something more. not that this isn't enough for me; it always has been. but this restlessness has been put on my heart for a reason, and i must find out why. it's not a matter of luxury but of survival. if i fail, i fall.

this isn't a need to turn my back on my past, on my family, on this building once home, now house. this is a need to embrace where i come from. to discover new meaning. to put everything in order. to bring back to life what has died. to give me hope.

because that is what i am lacking. i am starving for hope. for a reason to wake up. for a meaning bigger than sleeping in and staying up. my home is something i longed for--when things were unfamiliar, i longed to be in my bed, surrounded with familiar voices and scenary. but something inside me has changed and that's no longer the case. i find myself trying to find comfort in friends, family, coffeehouses, books--and it's not clicking. its all falling short and it's paining me.

i'm constantly pushing people away and i don't understand what inside me is causing to do it.

on the night of the day of the birth of my Savior, and my eyes won't stop with this crying. there's something wrong.