i'm so much better when i say your name

i'm not right. when i close my eyes at night i'm plagued by moments of my life that were never, and will never, be my own. by thoughts that haunt me in my dreams. by things that i wish happened. by eyes that can well up in seconds, threatening to spill over and reveal secrets that i keep hidden even from myself. i never know exactly how to categorize the storm raging inside of me. i never know the cause of it, how to fix it. i can sit for hours and think of what may have caused this feeling, this panic, this fearfulness. i can sit for hours and figure out ways to solve it, ways that always fall short. that never make ends meet ends. that never connect. failure. it all comes back to that. its full circle and i'm stuck in the cycle. i need help breaking through but moving too fast to grab ahold. it comes back to drowning. it centers on the word. on suffocation. on slipping. on everything bad. i need freedom.

i'm searching for a change of pace.