your secrets keep you sick

i'm so sick of it.
of constantly people thinking i'm weak. of not being able to handle things. of turns on a dime and plunging and rising up. i can't take it. i can't handle the fact my biggest confidante is now a completle stranger and such a fragile relationship. i can't take not being understood and feeling as if i'm always walking on egg shells. of inconsistancy and not knowing and feeling alone and feeling fulfilled and falling. of being exhausted during the days and wide awake at nights. of hours alone yet together. of disappointment. of things being harder than they should be. then a full plate and no motivation. of knowing this is all something i'm making up in my head. of not being able to write anymore. of losing my touch. of losing my mind. of stagnant music and stagnant words and nothing new and nothing exciting.

i can't handle it. i want a huge change. a shock. something i can embrace with wide open arms and a smile on my face. i want something to move me so deep i can feel it in every fiber of my being. i want to be not let down. i want to be impressed and astounded and thrilled. i want to have my breath stolen. i'm so tired of mediocracy. i'm so sick of not feeling.

i can't handle this canyon between us. so many things have changed in the past few months. so much. i hate it. i hate how i hold my breath and press send and i hate feeling like there's someone over your shoulder and i hate so much it's scaring me.

i want to forget. i want to go so far away. i want to live day by day and month by month and graduate to year by year. i want to know what's going to happen to me and i want to forget you so badly. i want to so badly that i can't at all.

i am so fragile. i am so strong. i am nothing at all.

i can only wish.

you killed me. you have no idea. you have no idea what i'm feeling anymore. you know nothing. you know that i am so full of hatred right now and it's scaring me. there is so much to say to you and no grounds to do so. i am nothing. she will laugh. this is ridiculous. you are not your own self. you think one thing but even i can figure it out.

i wish i could say 'whatever' and mean it. i wish i could not care.