for coley

maybe i havent explained myself, maybe i havent been with in touch with myself as i should be.
do i focus on my misgivings and don't accentuate my good sides, the things that make me who i am?

i love my life. i honestly do. im plagued with worry and confusion about my future, but the present is totally making everything worthwhile.
i go to shows. often. not as often as i'd like, but i go often, and they always work out. hanging out with tour managers and hitting on merch guys and making connections. i make connections. i can get where i need to be, with only a little bit of convincing. and i can, i can win. i can do this. my life is right there and i can reach it and i can do it.

i love my family. i couldnt be more blessed with who i have been born into. my mom is my best friend. my dad is a strong guidance in my life. my brothers keep me grounded and allow me to laugh at life. i couldnt ask for anything better. it blows me away how close i am with my family, with those who have the ability to make or break my mood, my life, my dreams, who i am. they influence me so greatly, and i allow it. because i love how they influence me.

my friends. how do i even start? i can't even begin to describe what i feel for those four girls who await my arrival at home; those other friends at home who keep me entertained and grounded and i would do anything for. i would, i would do anything for you. new friends and old friends and just everyone who has a piece of my heart. you know who you are, and if you doubt it, you should just talk to me more and you will know. my friends in kentucky.. one month and already im blown away by how much fun we can have and laughter shared and memories created. hours sitting in rooms with nothing to do but to know eachother and exist. and laugh and complain and learn and everything and nothing. its incredible, and i appreciate you all so incredibly much. and then those very from newjersey who still are a part of my life, distance set aside. you know who i am talking about, and you are honestly wholey and hugely integrated into my life, and we can never fall apart. you have been there for me through the darkest and most terrible part of my life (honestly) and still we remain.

i love you all, all of you.

you mean everything to me.

(better?)