let her cry if the tears fall down like rain

so overwhelmed and starving for relaxation. the truth of the matter is that may can not come soon enough. my life is a whirlwind and im scared i am getting too caught up in it. i am a fool for falling in love with drama, and i hate every moment of it. surprises are a great coverup, but when do they become excuses? when your schedule book is filled with pencil marks, pen marks, permanent marker, which do you follow more strictly? pencil can be erased, marker scratched over, and now my time is full of cross outs and forgotten dates. i am so involved and so involved to the point i need to get out. i understand now how people burn out. its happened to me too many times. these words arent poetic and i care so much ive turned apathetic. studying should NOT give way to throwing up hands and purposeful bombing. i am running myself down with things i dont even care about and pushing away things i do care so strongly about. i am so lost and in full momentum that im barreling around completely confused, dazed. my guard is down and im taking hits from all sides. im terrified that a huge decision is a result of being so exposed. its takes every last ounce of strength to convince my self and my doubt that its only doubt.

im drowning.