guess what? im done writing you songs

you push me away.
i somewhat cant take it. i cant handle the constant caring and the constant worrying, i cant escape it and it kills me to know we have fallen apart.
i cant handle the trying to force you to talk. i want it to be easy as it was years ago, i want to live in the dreams we've held for eachother. not in the way we built them up, not with the meaning and emotion that made them so worthwhile, but in the way that i long for you to care, for you to notice me. i want you to notice me.
much of who i am today is based on our interactions years ago. years ago. where has the time gone?
but honestly, would it kill you? would it kill you to care?
i can name three people i hardly know that will give me more than the time of the day.. and you barely give me that. i feel like im forcing you to share your deepest secrets against your will, but really im just asking how you are. whats going on in your life. i miss knowing you. when did we fall so deeply apart and when will this end?
do you know how much you kill me? do you know that this pain that has lied dormant for so long only rises up wen we try to talk again.

the tiniest notions of what you are doing and what you feel make me melt, make me long for days that are long past, and that we've both come to terms with. i dont want this anymore, i just long for the feeling of it.
you are very engrained into who i am, and its beyond borders of what we were. no one understand that, not even you.

just open up to me and remember who you are talking to. dont you remember? dont you remember?


im very very tired of being forced into feeling like i must continue this unhealthy relationship.
i cant handle being the one who iniates all conversations, and then being completely let down when all i get in return to my exuberant remarks is one word answers that are completely void of any lick of emotion.
and its not that i care for him in that way anymore, i just allowed him to be so integrated into who i am and allowed him to change me in ways that i truely love, and still do, and dont regret, that i cant let him go in any sense of the word, not so much in love, but in friendship.
and i dont get any of it. i dont get anything in return for how hard i try to be there for him, and how hard i try to start conversation, and make this friendship work. and i cant let it go.
i just cant get out of it. and it kills me. i just want the time of day from him. proof that he somewhat cares about this relationship. and its so up and down, so damn predictable, that it hurts me even more. i can expect what will happen, its happened in such a predictable cycle over the past three years, and i cant break the monotony. and i cant handle it
theres times when he cares and talks to me, and we talk, and he calls, and then we go to me calling and never getting a call back, one message after another, one IM after another, and i cant do it anymore. i cant start conversations with no one replying and i cant let it go either
i cant say this to him, because he just wont care, he wont change, and if he does change, it will be for a week, and then im back to where i was. but i cant let go, i cant get out of it!

i just need to escape. this is why i hide behind meanings in songs that barely relate, and relate exactly. that seem like they dont fit, but i cant explain just how they speak volumes to me, how they echo my inner thoughts exactly, how they mirror what i feel in those moments before i fall asleep and my thoughts are nothing but truth.
this is why i hide behind words that are written in ways to obscure even my most direct thoughts, in ways to release how i feel and to make myself feel better. in hope that maybe one day he will stumble across this and rather than get angry, but realize how i feel. because heaven knows ive tried to make myself be known to no prevail yet. ive failed in every area possible with him, i havent gotten through yet.
i hide behind words, even though i live in fear that one day he will read this, he will find out how i feel.

i lay myself exposed everyday in hopes someone will read these words and not feel resentment towards me, but stumble across and find the meanings i lay so deeply in these words, in these constructed sentences.

i long for a time that once was, not in the way it would seem, but in the way of the definity of the moment, of knowing who i was and what was to come.
of knowing there was someone to understand.